Om...And Then Some

Keepin' It Real

2012-02-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot these last few days about people, and Facebook, and blogging, and about how we represent ourselves and our lives online. I've recently been accused myself of not being 'real' on my Facebook page or with my blog posts, and that apparently I'm either fabricating what I post, or misrepresenting myself because its mostly positive, and happy, and joyful. The assertion is that this all must be 'bullshit' because nobody's life could possibly be that happy, and positive, and joyful all.of.the.time. And my answer to that I guess is: well, DUH.

I know that with all of this online access, and Facebook, and Twitter, and blogs, and such, that a people can literally post whatever it is that they want, whenever they want, about whatever they want to, at any given time. If you wanted to write your entire life story, or share every random thought that went through your head, or air every little detail of your dirty laundry, you could totally do that. But most of us don't. Well, if we're not crazy we don't. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle between not sharing anything at all, and sharing just about everything we can. And so it's really user discretion then as to how much we choose to share, and how much we don't. Not rocket science really, but it seems that there seems to be some confusion about this process. Since I can choose to share whatever I want to online, and I'm probably not going to share everything, then it is inevitable that many of us have things that that we also choose not to share.

I'm generally a very happy, positive person, and so it just makes sense that most of my posts are happy, and positive, and hopefully a little inspirational. Those are things that I like to post about, those are things that I enjoy posting about, and those are things that I get really positive feedback posting about. It makes me happy to be a positive person, and sharing that positive energy is what I like to do. Period. This is not to say that really crappy, non-positive things don't occur in my life. They do, and they do a lot. I guess I've always lived under the assumption that this is just an understood. For everyone. I don't know anyone that doesn't have life happen from time to time. I have three kids, I work a fairly stressful full-time job, I have relationship ups and downs that occur with any marriage. I mean, I have a life and that certainly includes bad days, tears, stress, heartbreak, angst, anger, and just plain icky stuff. But just because I choose not to always share that stuff with the world online, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen, and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm trying to fool people into thinking it doesn't happen. It just means that I am choosing not to always share it. That's it.

Generally when I'm having a bad day, or I'm stressed out, or I'm angry, then Facebook or my blog are not coping mechanisms for me. I talk to my husband or my girlfriends, go for a run, drink a glass of wine, or head to the yoga studio. I have other ways that I deal with the real life that happens to me all the time. I don't live my entire life online. That is not to say that I haven't, and don't sometimes use writing as a way to process things, and I certainly feel like I have shared a great deal of 'real' issues from time to time. I've written on both Facebook and this blog a number of times about having a bad day, or feeling inadequate as a parent, or dealing with my depression and anxiety. I've shared these when I've needed to, and when I've felt comfortable with it. There is also plenty that I haven't shared though, but it certainly doesn't mean that it didn't ever happen. I've contemplated suicide in my life several times pre-marriage and kids, and used to drink massive amounts of alcohol to self-medicate. My biological father is a crazy drunk who just several years ago crashed his semi into another truck, and burned over 75% of his body. (The man that I call my dad, not only because he adopted me, but because he's the person that has truly been my father most of my life, is not my 'biological' father). And there are still other tragic and sad things that I will never share online, and will be kept safe within myself and my family, and a few of my dearest, closest friends.

And I don't say all of this to garner sympathy. Everything that I have now shared are also things that I've worked through, and continue to heal from. And this is also not to say that there is anything wrong with people who do regularly share really hard life experiences, and emotions online. Heather Armstrong over at Dooce.com is a-ma-zing at this, and she has this perfect blend of grittiness, and humor, and self-deprecation. That's something she is good at, and people respond well to her, and get a lot from her blog in those ways. She's got a talent for it. But that is not me, or who I am, or what I'm comfortable with sharing. I like keeping it upbeat, and positive. Not only because I don't always feel the need to share the bad stuff, but because I'm just not prone to negativity in general. I don't get bent out of shape about piddly shit, and I don't normally have a lot I feel I can complain about. My life certainly isn't perfect, or all rainbows and sunshines, but I do try to embrace that there are a lot of great things about it.

But now, I've decided, in the name of continuing to keep it 'real' today (as well as to help myself process, I won't lie), that I also have a confession to make. I was kind of an asshole these last few days. I stepped completely out of character, and did and said some things that I not only typically wouldn't do or say, but I also am a tiny bit ashamed about. But first the back story:

Have you ever known someone who was, well... for lack of a better term, a bully? You know, the kind of person that was kind of loud and obnoxious with their opinions, and took great pride in the fact that they had the ability to really piss other people off. The kind of person who doesn't fight fair when you disagree with them, but will instead start striking below the belt, hurling viscious insults, and coming back with completely irrational arguments. You know, like an Ann Coulter type?

Well, I'm not going to go into terrible detail about it, because I honestly feel that completely re-hashing it here would just be petty. But the bottom line is that I've seen this person chew people up and spit them out for many years now, and it always upset me a little that she always got to beat people down and not fight fair when they disagreed with her, but if you ever gave her a taste of her own medicine, she'd quickly throw in a few jabs, grab her ball and want to go home. End of discussion. And something happened a few days ago where she did this exact same move again, talking all kinds of shit about me (see first paragraph above, actually), but not saying a word of it to me directly. And friends, I don't even know how to describe it, but something in me snapped. I had just hit my boiling point of dealing with some of the hypocrisy and childishness. And so I went after her, and I went after her HARD.

It wasn't pretty, and I'm not proud of myself at all. She was getting super angry, flailing to make an argument, and just couldn't stop from responding to me each.and.every.time I provoked her. And so I just kept going. I couldn't keep myself from continuing to taunt her. But the ugliest part of it all is that there for awhile, albeit a short while, I was really enjoying myself. Like, totally taking delight in making her squirm. And even though I finally began to feel bad, and the glee didn't last long, it was definitely there. After the fact, I didn't like seeing that in myself. At all.

So in the end, its clear to me that I could never be a ruthless bitch. I just don't have it in me, and I'm more than okay with that. Some people would call this a weakness, but I think its a strength. We as a society seem to overvalue aggressiveness and stoicism, and undervalue compassion and nurturing. And I could write an entire dissertation about that, but will save it for another blog post. I regret the way I behaved, but sincerely don't regret the experience. I truly did need to cut this toxic person from my life, but my aggressiveness toward her was really was all about me, and my need to obviously expel some demons. Lesson learned, demons expelled. I did what I needed to do, apologized, and am moving on. It really does feel good to detox sometimes, I just don't recommend doing it in the same way. And now I'm going to need to be working to replenish some good karma, stat!

At my core, I'm a nurturer. I'm happy, and I like helping make other people happy. I'm a classic bleeding heart social worker, for goodness sakes. I'm a positive person, and I like to just effin' radiate positive energy. I am not good at being viscious, or judgmental, or condescending. I'm just not. I want to build people up, and not tear them down. And I don't think I've ever tried to insinuate that I'm perfect; clearly I'm not! But I've lived in negativity, and depression, and self-loathing for quite some time, and it did nothing for me. That's truly not my reality anymore, and I'm thankful everyday for that. I posted the quote below on my Facebook wall a few days ago, and I like it so much I'm going to post it here again. It truly doesn't feel any more 'real' to me than this anymore:

"I do cartwheels, okay? In my driveway. Sometimes in my nightgown. And I will never stop trying to live life this way."

Plus, the Whole Foods Parking lot video. Because this is TOTALLY how I roll...

I've Got A Great Life, and I'm Not Afraid To Live It

2012-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy, dreary morning and I'm working on my laptop with coffee at my side, and two 'heating pads' (read: the dog and the cat) curled up next to me. Baby Girl has gotten some sort of nasty virus again, and has been really sick over the last 24 hours. Super rough night last night, and I'm thankful she's sleeping. Yesterday I got caught up on laundry (and then some), straightened the house up, and even made some soups to freeze. At some point today I'm hoping to try a new recipe for homemade energy bars, stock back up on canning some of my own pasta and enchilada sauces (yes, I totally do that), and get some chili in the crockpot.

All of this being said, I felt like it was a good opportunity to do some blogging. And since I don't have any one particular post topic or theme in mind, then once again I'll go with my preferred (i.e. lazy) method of stream-of-consciousness writing. So here we go...

I've been working really hard on exhibiting more patience with my kiddos lately. Between the three of them, there is always someone whining, crying, fighting, yelling, shreaking, drilling questions, or just plain making an exorbitant amount of noise that all have the same effect of nails on the chalkboard for me; makes me want to come out of my freakin' skin. I'm telling you, some nights I think my brain is literally going to explode. But if there is anything I hate more than compounded noise over long stretches of time, its being 'the yeller.' Not only do I not want to have that kind of relationship with my kids (or have them have those memories of me), but let's face it... it's just crazy hypocritical. It totally does not make any sense for me to tell them to stop making so much GD noise, and be yelling it. Duh. So I've been trying to use all of the spectacular skillz I get from yoga and running, and take those deep breaths and meditation moments, and keep myself from yelling. It's a work in progress.

Two exciting pieces of news around here: 1) I got a foam roller, and 2) The hubs and I are going to Florida... ALONE... in March! The foam roller I probably don't even have to explain if you're a runner. But its super exciting for me, because I've literally had this pain in my ass since November that is making me friggin' crazy when I'm running. And so I've been rolling it out on the foam roller, whimpering and crying in pain as I go, and loving every minute of it. Well, maybe 'love' isn't the right word, but I think it's helping and that is what is important. I've got the Post Oak back-to-back trail runs coming up in just a few weeks (25k on Saturday, half-marathon on Sunday), and I'm trying to get as much 'practice' as one possibly can with trail-running in Wichita. Hill intervals and running the old railroad trails are working out quite well. A bunch of us girls are also doing this run in Derby in a few weeks to help prepare. Pondering a Pikes Peak ascent this summer, and then definitely some marathon running this fall. I think this spring is going to be about trying to PR in the half-marathon; they're so many great ones here in Kansas from March through June.

Anyway... of course the other news is terribly exciting too. Mike and I used to travel A LOT together before we had kids, and its always been something that we really valued and enjoyed doing together. And even though we haven't really slowed down all that much since having kids (my kids are total road warriors, and all of them were under 1-year-old when they had their first plane ride), we haven't done any travel just the two of us since the summer before Adelyn was born. (You know, when I almost had a baby in Florida). So... I got this great idea that since Mike has an ungodly amount of frequent flyer miles and hotel points from all of the traveling he has done for business, then what better way to use them than to get away together. Somehow, someway, everything seemed to fall into place to make this work over Spring Break. The kids will be out of school, Mike won't be teaching, Rainbows is closed two of the days during that week so I won't have to take but a day or two of vacation time, and my saint-of-a-mother is giving up some of her vacation time to take the kids. We're heading to Sanibel Harbour Resort and Spa for four nights, and I'm so stinkin' excited I could cry everytime I think about it. I don't think that there is any contention that both Mike and I are super hard workers, and we're both the kind of people that just go, and go, and go and you just literally have set us on a beach somewhere, thousands of miles from home, to get us to relax.

With that, I've been also trying really hard over the last year to not obsess so much about the extra skin I have on my tummy, leftover from three hard (yet worthy) pregnancies. That skin is not going to go away with running, or any kind of skin-tightening serum, or any amount of crunches I want to try to do. It's there, for life, like a birthmark. It hides what would otherwise be a pretty tight, flat stomach that I've worked really hard to get, and it can droop over jeans or pants if I wear them too low. It has the ability to drive me insane. I know that I could have a tummy tuck surgery and make it go away easily, but for me personally, that's not an option. If I'm going to spend money for my own mental health, it's not going to be to try to assuage my vanity, because that can end up being a never-ending effort as I begin to age and get older. Life happens, skin gets droopy, bodies change. If I can't be happy with what is otherwise a pretty rockin', strong, healthy bod at 32-years-old, what the hell am I going to do when I'm 60?!? Nope, I refuse to make surgery the answer. I'd rather spend that money on racing, and traveling, and my family, and on my friends. Those are investments that I feel very strongly will pay back in dividends.

That all being said, obviously the work that needs to be done is coming to an acceptance about this little body flaw. Totally easier said than done. But the first step is of course not focusing on the negative. Yes, I hate my stomach. But you know what? I look good in my clothes when I wear ones that fit me. I have amazing, strong legs. I LOVE how my ass looks in jeans and yoga pants. My shoulders and arms are super sexy. And my husband is not complaining in the least. Seriously. And even though I have stretch marks and a little bit of sag on my lower tummy, I look really pretty good in a bikini. Which, in a total round about way, is why I'm taking the plunge and wearing one for the first time in probably over seven years, on our vacation. Ordered this top, and these bottoms, and am super excited for them to arrive. I think the amount of happiness and satisfaction that I feel from working to overcome such a really tough mental block, is far more than I would get from a surgery. (And this really isn't to be judgemental or condescending toward people who do choose surgery. I just know, from my therapy background, that surgery is not always the answer that people are expecting it to be, and there is usually a lot more work that needs to be done internally for external changes to be worth it. You know? Now if someone wanted to give me a FREE tummy tuck, then I'm also pretty sure that I wouldn't turn it down...).

So yeah, probably about time to start wrapping this one up. Work is going awesome, and I'm super thankful to have such a flexible and great job. I love it. Starting in a few weeks I will be helping to coach with Girls on the Run at Lincoln Elementary school, and I'm really looking forward to that. Addy has been requesting to start basketball, gymnastics and karate this spring... Oy vey. Obviously, we'll need to hone down to just one of those, and more than likely it will be whatever fits in our schedule best. She's been running small little distances with me lately, and I love that she's asking. I don't ever want to force my children into running, but if they decide that they love it as much as I do, then that would make my heart super happy. Eli is all boy right now; curious, climbing, and pushing limits. He probably tests my patience the absolute most, but in those deep breaths I've been taking I try to remember that I'm so glad that he's healthy and strong and capable of driving his mother half-insane. And he really has the.best.heart. My Ariel, well she is a tough little cookie. Willful, passionate, headstrong and driven. All traits that would be admirable, except for with an 18-month-old. Then its just t-r-o-u-b-l-e. But all joking aside, I love that all of my kids know what they want, and they certainly aren't afraid to ask for it. They could probably teach a whole seminar on assertiveness training!

Now I've got to pee, and refill my coffee, and start doing some of the above-mentioned work in the kitchen. Blogging this morning, as so many times during my days, makes me realize what a great little life I have. Makes me even more bound, and even more determined, to never take if for granted.

All The (Sometimes) Beautiful People

2012-01-20T19:48:00.001-08:00

It's pretty much no big secret that I'm a really active, eco-conscious, health nut who's totally into running and yoga. I mean, hello? Just read the title of my blog. But even if you didn't know about this blog (as a vast majority of the people that I know actually don't), then you probably would have to be living under a rock not to pick up on it. I post about it on Facebook. I have bumper stickers on my car that read 'Runner Girl,' 'Firefly Yoga Studio,' and 'Generation Green.' I wear yoga pants, and running clothes, and t-shirts that say 'Vegetarians Have More Fun' and 'No Meat Athlete' all.the.time. It's pretty clear that I'm not only pretty passionate about my way of life, but I'm also not afraid to share it. And I was just thinking recently about all of the different reactions I get about my lifestyle-- particularly living in the Midwest-- from people (and what I've learned to take away from these reactions).

The first group I will call the 'haters.' Really, I don't know what their problem is. Clearly, they just hate life. These are the people that are just mean, and nasty, and hateful and apparently can't stand to see other people happy. They typically like to maliciously insinuate that I have an eating disorder. (For instance, the woman I encountered the other day who stopped, looked directly at me, and then said 'eat something!' WTF?!) Because of course there is something very unhealthy and unnatural about filling up on fruits and veggies, getting exercise everyday, and feeling like I have lots of energy and stamina. Must be an eating disorder. I know I'm really thin, I do. But when you run, have OCD, and have the metabolism of a fruit fly, then there just isn't any way around that. I know I get enough calories, I feel awesome, and my doctor could not be any less concerned about it (and is actually always very impressed with my lab work given my no-meat diet). So, I really try not to give the 'haters' much attention anymore. Its stupid and annoying, and happens A LOT, but miserable people like to try to spread misery. Its what they do, I guess.

The second group I would then classify as the 'non-believers.' These are the people who are my friends, who don't necessarily buy into the running, yoga, vegetarian, eco-friendly business. They love me and they're supportive, but they're not totally on board with everything. And that's okay, of course. They're all passionate about other things, and very amazing people. A lot of what I get from them is good-natured teasing and ribbing. I know they're not just trying to be assholes. They think I'm nuts and they like to give me hard time about it, but I know that if I ever needed anything from them that they'd probably jump in front of a truck for me. Like my co-worker who totally has my back in almost any situation, and yet LOVES (loves, loves) to heckle me about not eating meat. Her husband is a farmer and they're members of the Kansas Beef Association. I couldn't love her --or the teasing--more and I love that we can both have very different perspectives on something and yet have a mutual respect for each other about it. Totally makes me smile.

Third, there is of course the group that I call 'my people.' These are my running friends and others who 'get it'. They understand where I'm coming from, and don't find me crazy in the least. This is nice. But they're also not assholes in the other direction about it either. They're not condescending to other people, they don't get up on a soapbox about things, and they remain humble, yet confident, about their abilities and accomplishments. This is nice too. I would never want another person to feel like I think that I'm a better person because of how I choose to live. Because I'm not. Do I believe that being active daily, eating clean and healthy, and protecting the environment are all really awesome and beneficial ventures to do for yourself and your family? Hells yeah. That's why I can't shut up about it. But I also always hope to be inspiring about it as well, and not just arrogant and obnoxious. If I've ever crossed that line, I'm hoping someone would let me know. Because I see other people do it, and find it ridiculous.

Which brings me to the last group. This is my favorite group. These are 'the converts'. Maybe its just my natural drive to want to empower people, or maybe its because I really do believe in the power of what changing your lifestyle can do for you. Or probably its because I have had so many people who have helped and supported (and continue to help and support) me along my journey. But I get such a tremendous amount of satisfaction from the people who want to learn more. The people who send me emails asking about cloth diapering, meatless recipes, or training for a 5K. The people who ask if they can accompany me to yoga sometime, or join our group for a run. The people who tell me that I've really inspired them to try to {insert positive change here}, and are trying something new and oftentimes scary, in an effort to improve their lives. And then I continue to hear back from these people. "I just ran an entire mile today!," or "The kale chips were amazing, and super yummy!" or "Attended that yoga class last night and I feel sooooooo good." Kids...I just eat this shit up. Because I've been there. No matter how 'advanced' or 'experienced' you think someone is, we all started at a place where we were just learning and beginning. We've all been scared to try something new, and worry about falling flat on our face. And not only that, we all have fallen flat on our face before, and continue to have room for improvement. (Don't ever let anyone have you believe they haven't). Because that's the beauty of it. It's a never-ending process. The journey IS the destination.

So, I hope that more and more I continue to encounter less haters, continue to be endearing to more non-believers, and definitely continue to hear from more converts and 'my' people. Which is another reason that I'm loud and proud about what I hold dear. I have built, and continue to build, this amazing community of family and friends, who are growing and learning from each other about doing some really positive things in their lives. In turn we're all having a positive impact on each other. When someone tells me that I've inspired them to start training for their first race, or to move out of their comfort zone and try yoga, I can honestly tell them right back that they've inspired me... by being so incredibly brave and actually doing it. There's a lot of power in that.

Desperately Seeking My Blogging Mojo...

2011-12-31T06:51:00.000-08:00

So, I wrote a big long post yesterday about the holidays, and then inadvertently deleted it while I was cleaning up postings. Luckily, it was probably one of the more rambling and inarticulate of my postings, and its really no loss at all. Which is kind of how I actually feel about most of my posts that I've written in the last six months. I honestly would be ready to wipe all of them out if they didn't at least hold some value for chronicling my life and my thoughts over these months. But blogging seems to be nothing but a strain for me lately. I have things that I want to say and write about, and despite not having any time, I also just don't have the words. I've always enjoyed blogging as not only a therapeutic response to help organize all of the thoughts that are constantly running through my head, but to also hone my writing skills; something I've always taken great pride of.

Obviously, six months ago I began working full-time again and that made a huge impact on the time and energy I had for blogging. But I think something else happened. I think that along with full-time work, my brain has adapted to take on all of the new responsibilities, stresses and tasks that go along with being a full-time working mom. The thoughts that I have spinning around in my head are fleeting, and its almost as if I've become a little ADD in my ability to focus on any one task, for any given time. I feel like my ability to really be able to sit down and think through anything has been completed obliterated. My tolerance limit is about 30-minutes... at the most. When I'm working on something, my mind is also interrupting me over a half-a-million times with other issues... "Did I pay the credit card bill?" "I need to get snacks for Eli's class next week" "Have I scheduled Ariel's 18-month well child check yet?" It feels like its never-ending, and follows me into sleep. The only reason I get any rest at all is that I'm just so damn exhausted from both a mind and body that are going all.day.long. When I sit down and try to write about anything, it becomes painful to try to organize any of my thoughts with all of them being so decompartmentalized.

And I really don't have an answer or the time and ability to sort any of it out right now. I'm hoping that cutting back on my teaching frees me up a little more than I was. I also know that the only time I feel like I can really collect my thoughts is when I'm running, and that's not exactly conducive for writing. And so I think about posts then, and other times through out the day, but lose it all before I actually have the time and energy to sit down and type. I'm hoping that this is something that is temporary, and I'll eventually find writing to come as easy to me as it used to. Right now, its an exercise in futility to try to get anything coherent out. I don't even feel like this post is making any sense at all.

Does anyone else smell what I'm cooking? And how does one go about getting their writing/blogging mojo back?!? I'd really like to be able to enjoy it again! Suggestions for blog postings would be helpful too. I think it might be beneficial for me to have some purpose for my writing, instead of just creating drivel and hoping that someone might relate.

Marathon Addiction, and The Road To Recovery

2011-12-11T03:30:00.000-08:00

Just completed what I think will be my last 'long' run (over 6 miles) until January. My running buddies weren't going to start until 8am today (because they're truly smarter than I am), but I was anxious to go pick my kids up today at my parents, and so I headed out ridiculously early. I love, love, LOVE running with my group and there is no doubt that I'm a better runner because of them. But its definitely nice to strike out every once in awhile on my own, and just enjoy the quiet. I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts while running, and have started to prefer to run 'naked' (without music) anymore (in fact, I could not tell you the last time I actually used my iPod. Its sitting in a corner...somewhere... with a dead battery). Like the crazy person that I am, I'm really looking forward to snow being on the ground, and the wonderful crunching sound underneath each foot fall to go along with listening to my own breath, and the sounds of the early morning around me. It was a fantastic, brisk 10-miles this morning, and as with every run that I complete, I am thankful. For everything.

This last year has been so incredible, I don't even know how to fully give it any justice in writing. When I set out to start training for my first marathon last January, I honestly thought it would be my only marathon for this year. Or really, for awhile. I wanted to do it to be able to say that I had, and then quickly taper back to a regular, and easy, running routine that involved 20 miles a week maximum. The time commitment was not reasonable for any sane person, and my body was getting roughed up extensively. But something happened during that spring training, and even during that hellacious first attempt at the 'thon. I fell in love with distance running. Like really fell in love with it. I thought that I loved running before, but nothing prepared me for the absolute high of completing mile, after mile, after mile, and continuing to be able to go, and go further. I've grown as a runner, and improved exponentially since I started back up again in January, and I'm crazy-psyched about continuing to get better. But this year also pushed me to grow as a person, and words cannot even begin to express how much running, and my running group, have changed me. Because along with the highest highs, come some pretty low lows and when you're running marathons everything isn't always sunshine and rainbows. If nothing else, sometimes its just painful. Really painful. I could write an entire book on how the good, the bad, and the ugly of running all do a tremendous amount of benefit for my mind, body and soul.

And so FOUR MARATHONS later (I'm still in a little bit of shock about it), I have not only built up my running cred, but gained some amazing confidence and skill. There was a big part of me that desperately wanted (and still kind of does) to turn around and do Phoenix here in January. A group of gals is going as a birthday celebration trip, and Phoenix is known for being a fast, flat course. After PR'ing in Memphis, it was so tempting to turn around and see about tearing up that course in Phoenix. And there is something very appealing about being in marathon shape and continuing to just keep going. I have that sub-4 in my sites. It really is an addiction that constantly wants to be fed. Not to mention that when I broached it with my hubby, his reply was, "I think you should do it." (which is of course, what makes him the best hubby EVER).

In the end though, I couldn't justify it. I'm in great cardiovascular shape right now, but my body is tired. And beat up. I have a strain in my left ankle, as well as one around my left glute that I really need to let heal up. There's a bone that I'm pretty sure is bruised on my right foot. I did hot yoga yesterday, and while it was amazing as always, it also made me acutely aware of just how tight and sore and worn down almost every inch of me is right now. I more than likely could get through another marathon in a month just fine, but I'm pushing the risk of a more major overuse injury more and more, with every single mile. I've been going full throttle for pretty much an entire year, and its time for a break. Not a long one, and not even a total one, but just something that makes me slow down, rest up, and recover. No speedwork, no races, and no running over six miles. At least for the next few weeks.

I'm looking forward to enjoying the holidays, and doing some leisurely running and hiking in Tucson. I'm picking the kids up here in a few, for a day of lounging and baking. (Mike is continuing to travel right now until Thursday and so when my parents requested taking all three for the weekend, I very gratefully acquiesed). This will be my last week of work for the year, and once I finish grading papers tonight then I'll be completely done with classes too. So, my running break will coincide perfectly with THE winter break, for a full mind/body recovery thing going on.

I have to tell myself that there will be plenty of marathons in my future, and I don't necessarily need to cram them all into a few months. And I'm pretty sure that recovery is sometimes when you start becoming your strongest (at least that is what the theory of the taper is, anyway!). Rest assured though, I already have a trail race set up for February, a marathon in Olathe in April, and several half-marathons and 5K's sprinkled throughout for sure. Seriously contemplating a Pikes Peak ascent for the summer, too. And if I can get my hands on a good bike within the next year, then I'd like to train for a triathalon at some point. Three marathons in three months is only the beginning, kids. This poor addict won't be able to stay in recovery for long.

Zen Master (Wannabe)

2011-11-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Well. Its 6am on a Saturday, and I’ve been wide awake since 5am. This is of course totally the consequence of conditioning my body to be up and moving this early every morning. But rather than toss and turn to try to squeeze out what would only amount to maybe another hour of sleep, I’ve decided that I will take the opportunity of a cold morning and quiet home to brew myself a pot of coffee, curl up on the couch, and write.

Where do I begin though?! I have so much to say once again since I last posted, and would need an entire weekend to really organize and hash out all of these thoughts. They cross all over the map (as they usually do), and range from trivial (I think I *might* be addicted to scarves. And boots. And tights. And sweater dresses. And skinny jeans. And really anything that allows me to look super cute this cold weather season, and not freeze my ass off), to things that are infinitely more deep (I.e. the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. You all know I’ve got an arsenal of expletives and feminist vitriol to spout off about that). Or how about the brilliance of this article? Something I have been talking about for years, except that I contend that the ‘genius’ of misogyny in this country is that men are not only socialized to become incredibly adept at gaslighting women, but I think women also learn to police, ‘gaslight,’ and generally have contempt for each other. Its hard to stage a revolution when all of the revolutionaries are hissing at each other.

There’s also all sorts of issues that go through my head related to motherhood, my vegetarianism, being eco-friendly, running, and yoga…and how I work to make all of these things that I value coalesce somehow in this crazy world of mass consumption, fast food, instant gratification and self-righteous indulgence. (You know, the theme of what this blog is supposed to be about). Lately, it has become so interesting to me how many times I will rationalize something because I think I deserve it. A day off. New running gear. An entire bag of kettle-cooked salt and vinegar potato chips (ohmygawd those things are sooooooo good). Because I work hard, and I try to be a good person, and I’m a contributing member of society. In reality, the basic human rights of food, water and shelter are really what I deserve (as all humans do) and the rest is pretty much fluff. I can declare that I deserve it all I want, but millions of people all over the world are going without even the basics. I probably don’t actually deserve a Pumpkin Spice Latte, new yoga pants, and a deep tissue massage. I’m just really effin' fortunate to have access to them if I want them.

And this is the thing that, as of late, I've decided I want to try to remind myself of. Often. Not so much because I think I need to completely deprive myself or feel guilty. But because I really just want to stop seeing the world as a place for unabetted consumption and taking, and start acknowledging my affluence to do more sharing and giving. I don’t think that I’m at this place because I’m any more special or gifted than anyone else; I truly think that those of us who have been blessed with so much have a moral obligation to take care of those who don't. This isn't socialism. It's called being a decent human being.

I have a saying posted in my kitchen that reads, 'Live simply so that others may simply live.' I've found that when I'm in a good place, thinking positively, feeling at zen with the world, and living a little more selflessly, that is when life seems to magically fall into place. Parenting is more effortless when I'm feeling grateful, and not sweating the small stuff. My relationship with my husband is easier when I focus on the positive, and work on being a better wife (rather than beating my head into a wall trying to make him into a 'better' husband). And just like with my job that I love so much, I end up getting more in return than I end up giving. Call it karma, call it what you will. I firmly believe that when you contribute positive energy into the world, then that is what you get back from the world.

Along with this idea, there is also so much that I want to teach my children. For them to be kind and decent, hard workers, financially literate, smart, and successful. Pretty generic stuff really. But I was listening to an interview with Diane Keaton the other day on NPR, and she was talking about her mother, and how it was her mother who instilled in her such a wonderful sense of appreciation for art, and music, and theatre. And she was saying this all with such reverance, and gratitude and it just made me really sit back and think about what sort of legacy I might be leaving my children. What will they be saying about me when they're older, and I'm gone? And I realized that not only did that thought terrify me a little, but that what I hoped for in the future, is what I needed to start living today...

That I always made time to play and spend time with them, even after a long day of work and with dishes piled high in the sink. That I exposed them to volunteerism and charity and helping others, very early on, and often. That our home was a happy place, filled with music and art, and laughter. That things likes taking care of the environment, being conscious citizens, eating healthy and cooking at home were never really options, but just how things were done around here. That I always looked fun and stylish, but never because I spent a lot of money or put a lot of effort into it, but because I just radiated confidence. And that I ran because it made me happy, worked out by swinging them around in the air, and I never ever apologized for my baby pooch, stretch marks, wrinkles and gray hair.

These are all things that are easier said than done. I have my demons, my neuroses, my flaws that try to prevent me from being capable of what I would like. But I like being a work in progress, and I like learning so much from my friends and loved ones along the way. I like having goals to work toward, and challenges to take on. I truly feel so blessed and thankful for the life that I have, and I struggle with taking it for granted sometimes. I want to remain humble and grateful, because selfishly... it makes me a better person.

And so with that I will be foregoing running in the Turkey Trot this morning, and getting ready to actually practice yoga for the first time in many, many, many months. I feel like in the hustle and bustle of this life, I've lost sight of what my values and priorities are again. I'm hoping hot yoga will help me clear my thoughts, regain my focus, and purge a lot of the stress and toxins that have built up in my body again. (And Lord knows I'm going to need that abundance of inner-peace going into another holiday season. I'm already going effin' nuts!).

A New Game Plan

2011-10-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Talk about the power of positive energy. Decided to adjust my crabby attitude this morning, and its made a huge difference in my day. I've been majorly stressing this last week because I've had to scramble and juggle since last Wednesday to get stuff done at work, teach and prepare for classes, and manage a household of sick kiddos. When I realized last night that Baby Girl's fever was spiking again, and I would be spending yet another day at home (because did I mention that Mike is in Colorado Springs?!), I almost went off the deep end. Thankfully I got some sleep last night, and decided I would be conquering the problem, instead of letting it conquer me. And really, in the grand scheme of life, two weeks of absolute chaos is just not something worth completely stressing (too much) over.

So, anyway... attitude adjustment. Drank my coffee, forged a plan, and got my older two to school. Baby Girl had breakfast and went back to bed. She has subsequently been sleeping now since 9am. Awesome. (Although I have been up to check on her only about a gazillion times to make sure she is still breathing). What this has meant for me though is MAJOR productivity. I've been crossing items off my 'to do' list left and right, my mood continuing to lift with each scratch of my pen across the paper. Papers graded. Check. Phone calls made. Check. Site visits re-scheduled. Check. House clean, laundry done, and dinner in the crock pot. Check, check, and check. And last, but certainly not least, A WORKOUT DONE. Checkity-check. Halle-freakin'-lujah!

Which brings me to my blog topic for today then. My strength-training/cross-training workout plan. Thus far, I've been logging between 30-40 miles a week and then fitting in about 2-3 strength/cross-training workouts. As I've gotten busier in the semester, these workouts have decreased in time, and have been pretty sporadic. I mean most runners know that fitting in this time is important. But never as important as the miles when you're training for a distance event. So, if something is going to go, its always going to be a cross workout. Mine have consisted of some body-movement and resistance moves once or twice a week while I'm at home (usually involving hand weights or a kettleball), and then either kickboxing, spinning or yoga on the weekend. Again, usually terribly sporadic though.

So, I decided to workout today, and give a Jillian Michaels' video that a friend had loaned me a spin. (As a side note, BIG fan now of Jillian. She's amazing). I liked the workout because it was nice and intense, but not overkill-hard. My arms and my abs are definitely in great shape. One thing that struck me the most during the workout however, is just how much weaker my legs seem to be from the rest of my body. Now, granted, I did just run a marathon this week and so there is still some soreness and fatigue. But a light bulb went off in my head while I was working out; I really, really, really need to work on strength-training for my legs more.

I think the thing that I struggle the most with in running, is finding a good balance between running and leg strength-training. High mileage can put a toll on legs and joints, especially when running 20-30 miles during the week, and then tacking on another 10-20 miles just for weekend long runs. Not to mention the time it takes to get those miles in. And so having to add more physical duress to my legs, as well as squeeze in more time to train, is tough. Real tough. I realized during my workout today, that I've probably laid off working my legs out (other than running) too much this last few months, and need to focus on them again. Good arm and core strength is certainly important during running, but I think I have over-focused on those areas when training this summer and fall. And with gaining speed being my number one goal this winter, then I definitely need to get stronger.

The question then becomes what do I do, and when do I find time to do it? I've been doing speed workouts on Tuesday mornings to get both mileage and a speed-training element in, and so I'm definitely going to continue that. I had been doing some Plyometrics this last summer, but had shied away from the routine when my mileage went up, and I think I'm going to try really hard to make that a weekly habit as well. If I continue spinning and kickboxing on Saturdays, and then do an arms/abs workout at least once a week, hopefully I'll be a little more well-rounded. But what about that pesky question of when?! (talking out loud here...) Monday nights are usually a rest day for me, since I run long on Sunday. Track workouts on Tuesday morning, and then I teach class that night. Wednesdays are my other 'longer' run days, with usually about 6-10 miles in the morning, and so that might be a good arms/abs night. If I can run 5 miles on Thursday mornings, and then do Plyo that night, I could possibly protect my other rest day on Friday. The gym classes on Saturday, and then long run on Sunday. Hey... that might work!

Of course it won't be perfect all of the time, but I'll give it a go. My hubby has become non-existent again with the new grant that he was awarded (yay?!), and so I'm on my own most of the time with the kids. Sometimes this arrangement, like this last week, has occasion to throw a big monkey wrench into things. But I've already made the solid decision to tuck my head and get through classes this semester, and then not commit to teach in the spring. One 40-hour a week job is enough, thankyouverymuch. (If Mike's hours weren't what they were, then I'd love to continue, because I LOVE teaching. But I can't continue on this course, at this pace, for a whole lot longer. The thought of the holidays coming up is causing extreme terror for me right now).

Anyway. A new training plan. An end in site for this completely insane, what-the-freak-was-I-thinking, schedule. The possibility of completing three marathons over three months. Lots of fun and amazing trips, parties, and events happening this fall/winter (Lo's wedding in ONE WEEK. Eeeeeeeee!). I've had my small pity party this week, and I'm feeling recharged and ready to move forward again. Sometimes, people (or really, most of the time), a workout really is more than a workout. It's my game plan for good mental health.

Prairiefire Marathon Re-Cap (Kind Of)

2011-10-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've had a lot of people asking me when I would be writing the re-cap of my marathon this last weekend (as well as some requests for re-caps of my half-marathons... oops!). And I have hoped that I would have some time to summarize the race. But truth be told, in order to really adequately write about this marathon, I would need a lot more time. Which I don't have. Even being able to right this simple blurb is only happening because I'm home with a sick kiddo right now. But I'm also trying to catch up on office work, grade papers, and prepare for classes. So, suffice to say, I am not going to do the experience justice. At all.

For those of you that have been asking, however, the race was A-MA-ZING. Total three-sixty of the experience I had in San Diego. Was surrounded by friends and running buddies at the starting line, got to squat and pee by a car with one of my favorite people (who shall remain nameless to protect her innocence!), got to run a brief stint with Scott who had just WON the Heartland 100 Mile Ultra just 8 hours prior, and was cheered on the through the whole race with 'Run, Yogi, Run!' thanks to the best yoga studio owner EVER (yay Nickki!). The atmosphere and the positive energy was fantastic.

I ran this race SUPER conservative. If you recall, I was not only injured during San Diego, but I also was unable to adequately train because of being plagued with injuries. So really, I didn't know what to expect coming into a marathon without injury, and having been adequately trained. I.e... it was basically like a first marathon again. I needed this to be a good experience, and was terrified of getting nauseous, injuring myself, or completely bonking at mile 20 and being unable to move forward. I'm signed up to do Memphis in December, and MAY even be doing the Pilgrim Pacer Marathon next month (we'll see how my foot does... more on that soon), and so this marathon was really like a training run, so that I could get a feel for what it would be like. I ran slow and steady, walked through water stations, and chatted up fellow marathoners (which was fun, and cool... so many great stories!!!). I took my GU gels strategically, and hydrated well. And people, I felt so effin' good during that whole run. I mean, my legs were ACHING and all my joints were crying in pain. But energy-wise, I felt great. And like I didn't want to throw-up (HUGE).

My official time was 5:13. I know I can shave a good 45 minutes off that, and I'm getting excited to try. But I needed that good, easy, 'first marathon' experience to get a feel for the race, give me some confidence, and have a good idea of hydration and fueling needs. Nothing, I mean NOTHING can prepare you for what its like to go out and run 26.2 miles until you do it. Period.

Of course, I'm completely addicted. My body was just built for distance and endurance running, and I'm enjoying that. My body was NOT built for speed, and I try not to struggle with that. For whatever reason, I'm having to work harder than I ever have, with only minimal results. I know some people who seem to effortlessly run long- distance (12 miles+) AND speed, and its difficult not to feel like less of a runner for that. Especially when I have this (good? bad?) habit of setting really high expectations of myself. And ZERO patience. But that's also part of the appeal of training. To keep pushing myself to get better, and faster. I may have to work harder to get there, but I'm grateful that I can and it will be so damn gratifying when I do. There will be a sub-4 hour marathon in my future. Someday.

This week post-marathon has been extremely difficult because I have a strained ligament in my left foot. Didn't feel it all all during, or even shortly after the race, but started to have shooting pain that Sunday night. SUPER frustrating for me. Have been wanting to get to the gym for a 'recovery' ride then on the stationery bike, but sleepless nights with sick kids has made that impossible (and is also making me cranky). Hoping that some R&R will help it heal quickly, so that I can amp up my mileage again without too much of a break. Depending on how long that takes, then I may run in Lenexa mid-November. Whatever the case may be, I have to remind myself that this is really just the beginning. I hopefully have a long future as a runner and marathoner, and lots of time to run races, reach PR goals, and most of all... enjoy myself.

With the Firefly Half-Marathon Training Group that I logged some of my mileage with. Warm fuzzies!!!

Identity Crisis

2011-09-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

Identity formation is a term used in psychology quite a bit, usually when referring to stages of human development. It's also something I've been contemplating lately, not only in remembering past 'experiments' in identity formation (i.e. the 'punk' phase of 1996-1998), but also thinking about just how fluid and evolving the task really is. It has occured to me that this evolution of identity usually is spurned along by major milestones and transitions in life. Entering high school or college, entering the work force as a young adult, getting married, and of course... becoming a mother.

It's this 'becoming a mother' milestone that I've been thinking about most lately, and how my identity has shifted significantly in this stage. There isn't anything profound or ground-breaking in this; having children inherently is a life experience that is going to change you. Focus changes from your own needs to their own. Your time, money, body and everything else that you value is shared. And the person that you once were, generally becomes a distant ghost of the past as your complete sense of self almost becomes complete sense of someone else.

Most mothers can relate. There's the non-tangible issues of losing mental prowess and brain cells due to lack of adult conversations, non- 'board book' reading materials, and too much 'Yo Gabba Gabba.' But there is also the very tangible loss of fashion sense, grooming and basic hygiene that also seems to always accompany the mom identity. Not only that, but sometimes if you're not careful, being a mom completely pervades every crevice of your identity so much that you're not functional as anything other than a mom. This is how 'mom jeans' happen. Scary.

Not that I'm saying its not great being a mom. I love it. There is so much about becoming a mother that has enhanced my identity in major ways. I've gained a hella amount of confidence over the last five years, which continues to make me feel pretty hot and badass. Totally good for identity formation. But that loss of sense of self that I mentioned above? Its become a challenge to figure out how much being a mom should be a part of my identity, and what other parts of my self I want to ensure are also included and strengthened. Parts that have taken a back seat for a long time.

I am at a transitional period now where my final 'baby' is no longer a baby. I'm getting more sleep, and her schedule is beginning to mesh more with her older siblings'. And even though I'm constantly chasing after her now, or tearing the pantry apart to try to decipher what she is grunting and pointing about, the time intensiveness that babies require has dissipated some. Even since getting past those first 6 months, I've gradually been starting to claim some of myself, my life, and my body back. But there are still things that remain and need work, and I've gradually been focusing on those areas. These include some inner identity issues of working my brain again, but also include the areas of fashion, hair and make-up. I'm not a completely vain person, but I also have come to learn just how important one's outward appearance really conveys identity, as well as has a big impact on confidence as well.

Returning to work and teaching again has done leaps and bounds for the mental part. I'm listening to NPR (big, puffy-heart LOVE me some NPR) when I'm driving around, and have decided to take the leap and start subscribing to some of my favorite news mags (hello Mother Jones and The Atlantic) again. I *might* actually fine some time to read them. There was a time when I used to very adequately be able to take part in intelligent dialogue about current issues, different philosophies and complicated debates. I'd like to get back to being on top of my game in that regard again. (Eventually I'd like to work my way back up to reading an entire book again, but this is totally baby steps).

As far as fashion is concerned, I'm having to take bigger steps than I probably willingly would, but the issue is being forced here. I've lost all my baby weight since I started running again, and have had to really face two big issues with my wardrobe: 1) Its mostly cheap and poor quality clothing from Target or Old Navy (which totally served a great purpose when I was staying at home and wanting to save money) and 2) Its all almost 2 sizes too big for me (its become clear that I was wearing clothing that was too big for me even prior to losing the baby weight, mostly to mask how unhappy I was with my body, I think). Now that I'm back in the professional world and have some body confidence back, I'm needing some more quality kicks and fitted apparel. Nothing too nice since I do hang out in other people's (often dirty) homes all day, and then also have children of my own. But something a little more professional than $8 t-shirts and $20 jeans. I went shopping the other day for new jeans, and it was amazing how a $70 pair of jeans in my actual size did some amazing things for my figure, and my self-esteem.

So this is where I'm at. I need new clothes that I'm having a hard time prodding myself to buy. I also need a hair cut badly, but have cancelled an appointment twice now because I didn't want to spend the money. I'm completely cosmetically-challenged and need some more high quality products that aren't sliding off my face by the end of the day, but again... don't want to have to pay for. Part of my mother identity has made me a little too selfless, and spending money on myself has become completely erased from my system. At the same time, I see women who do the mommy/hottie/rockstar thing incredibly well; they are amazing mothers and also look like goddesses. I totally want that to be part of my identity. Again, not necessarily completely out of vanity, but because I know it can do wonders for mental health and self-image. (Anyone who has watched any episodes of 'What Not To Wear' understands this). It's become clear that in order to make that happen, I am going to have to invest in myself a little more.

I'm not talking about spending a lot of money either. But I'm working again, and can totally afford to spend a little money here and there on myself. I mean for the love of Pete, this girl hasn't had a haircut since Baby Girl was 3 months old. To do the math, that's well over a year. Not to mention that I really don't want part of my identity to be that I have incredibly long, mangey hair. Or as a martyr. It can be another area of fine balance of course, and tough when we're not unlike any other family right now who's living on a tight budget and paying entire paychecks toward childcare and healthcare premiums (le sigh). But the scales have been tipped a long time now in favor of my children and hubby, and I'd like to start claiming my fair share. Having to mesh the mommy identity with the hottie-rockstar-goddess identity is complicated and tricky, but I firmly believe that it pays out dividends to tend to both equally. I am extremely proud to be a mother, and would never want to cut too much of that out from my identity. I just don't want that to be the only thing that people see when they look at me.

The sweater dress from Athleta that I'm totally salivating over (and saving up for!)

Writer's Block

2011-09-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the last month, I have had about half a dozen (or more) blog post ideas go through my head. And then quickly retreat again with the constant barrage of other thoughts, to-do's, neuroses, and what-have-you's that also go through my head continually. Its no secret that we're not unlike any other two-income, three child, one dog household in that things are moving all.of.the.time around here. This fact not only makes for tons of fodder for probably very relatable and timely posts, but also ironically is the reason that said posts never see the light of a computer screen.

This certainly causes me a certain level of sadness, as I have always loved writing, and blogging has been a perfect way to incorporate more of it in my life. Not to mention that its just been really effin' cathartic. But as I mentioned previously, its not something that I'm terribly surprised about. Blogging was something that was fairly easy to do when I was home with the kids, because it was easy enough to accomplish during nap times, or quiet play times, or in the evening after bedtime. Not only that, but it was also a priority to me because it added an element of thinking, and interacting, and using my mind that was limited in my stint as a stay-at-home mom/work-at-home mom. Now that I have full-time, incredibly challenging work, daily adult interaction, and scads of other priorities and responsibilities in my life again, the blogging is taking a back seat.

Part of the problem is what my job is too. I work in early intervention with birth through three-year-olds. A lot of these kiddos are living in less than ideal living conditions. Some of them have the worst parents. There are a lot of them who are in foster care because of these parents. I see families struggling... really struggling, to keep a roof over their heads and food on their tables. I see and hear about the horrors of child abuse and neglect almost every.single.day. And I'm not complaining, because I really love my job, I'm damn good at it, and those kiddos give back more to me than I EVER will to them. And I've learned to be a good social worker I have to detach somewhat, and not bring that shit home with me all the time. But... you don't work with these babies who are living in squalor, or are hungry, or have parents that just don't give a shit about anything but their crackpipe, and then come home and easily write about the challenge of school lunches, or nutrition during marathon training, or your quest to find a better beauty routine. All worthy topics, in my opinion, but its a hard transition. Not to mention that mentally I am just so wiped out that I can't imagine it being anything but garbled nonsense anyway.

Job issues aside though, finding the time to write is crazy hard. I'm working full-time, teaching two classes, raising three kids and running, well... A LOT. The other day a friend shared a blog post that seemed to be regarding children and the 'color issue' (admittedly I didn't have time to actually read the post, but gathered from a few comments that it was about girls and boys wearing certain colors). And I thought to myself, well that's a great post idea. I could write PAGES about how our society constantly values what is considered male or labeled masculine (directly or indirectly) in our society, and then in turn also consistently devalues what is considered female or feminine. With two girls and a boy, its definitely an issue I also think about and consider in my parenting. But writing about it would mean sitting down for no less than probably 30 minutes to pull my thoughts together, and 30 minutes (or more) is something I just don't usually have. Or at least am not willing to contribute to writing if I do have it.

Obviously, if blogging were a priority, I would find the time. But its not. I would earnestly like to make it one, but there just isn't more room for anything else right now. I hope to continue to find pockets of time here and there to collect my thoughts and put something out there, but we'll see. Making school lunches I think is a topic that every mom can certainly relate to, hopefully my running readers could get something out of my sharing the craziness of working full-time and training for two marathons coming up, and seriously people... this cosmetically challenged momma has GOT to do something about my drab make-up and hair. So you know, if anyone else would like to cover these topics for me, that would certainly be a-okay. (Hint, HINT). And that post on boys, girls and colors? I'll see if I can bribe one of my women's studies students to write it for me.

The One Where I Use The Numbingly Cliche 'Life Is A Race' Analogy

2011-08-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well, kids, the culmination of an entire month of disrupted sleep, super early mornings, lots of mileage, and going full-tilt at work everyday has finally caught up with me. It was inevitable of course, but it really hit me incredibly hard today, and with a vengeance. My legs and arms feel like lead, and my eyelids are about as heavy. And I'll apparently be sleeping on the couch tonight, because I certainly can't imagine getting up from here for awhile.

This really was always a matter of when, and not if. And its not like I haven't been this cripplingly exhausted almost every day for the past month. But just like endurance running, life can also be a mind over matter thing. I have a family I am responsible for, a career that is important to me, friends that are there for me and that I want to be for in return, and a passion for running that some people mistake is a choice for me (it's not). In order to keep up with everything, then the end of the day has almost always been like the last six-point-two miles of a marathon. When you've more than hit your wall, and its taking every ounce of everything you have left just to put one foot in front of the other. At this point, unless you can mentally transcend what every single nerve-ending in your body is telling you to do (STOP!), then getting across that finish line would be impossible. You self-talk your way through, and in a race, you do eventually get to the end.

The good, the bad, and the ugly about life is that you don't ever actually get to an end. When you're done running the rat race for the day, you get a brief break (I've heard its called sleep), and then you get up again to start all over. Lather, rinse, repeat. There's really no end, only brief periods of getting a break from time to time. And that's a good thing of course; I'm by no means advocating any sort of time limit for life. But the mental gymnastics you have to go through sometimes to get through each day, along with just the shear physical exhaustion of constantly moving, are eventually going to catch up. There are only so many times you can sprint the end of a race over and over again, without actually finishing it, before your body and your mind both finally give in. This is where I am tonight.

The thing is, I enjoy the race. Both literally in running, and metaphorically in life. Life is busy, and crazy, and hectic around here, but I draw my energy from the pushing and the challenging. A typical day for me starts with running anywhere from 5-10 miles in the morning these days, and then the Mommy Triathalon of getting three kids up, fed, dressed and to childcare by 8am. After that, I put in an 8-hour day dealing with, well... a lot of dysfunction and craziness, to put it succinctly (and nicely). Picking my kids up from childcare is my favorite, favorite, FAVORITE part of the day (and usually gives me a boost), and then its home to do the dinner, play, bath, bedtime routine. There is also a kitchen to clean up, bottles to wash, my lunch to pack, usually some laundry involved, bills to pay, and almost always a meltdown (or five) to deal with. Not to mention all of the incidentals, like Baby Girl busting her lip open and bleeding all over just as we're walking out the door, or realizing I have to send snack to school the next day at 10pm as I'm getting ready for bed.

I guess the point I'm really trying to make is that even when I'm crazy tired like this, I still can reflect on my life and be pretty damn happy. It's not always easy, but its incredibly satisfying. There are times when I can push, and push, and push through, and keep on sprinting to the finish. And then there is tonight when continuing to push would just be bordering on stupid. I'll be doing my best to get a good's night sleep, and then more than likely taking it easy tomorrow. My body is telling me to replenish itself and slow down. If I want to stand any chance at continuing to race (again, both literally and figuratively), then I need to rest. Classes start at WSU in two weeks and I'm teaching two. We'll have at least one night of soccer during the week, and gymnastics on Saturday afternoons. The pace isn't going to slow anytime soon (although I'm hoping to rectify the meager hours of sleep I've been getting at night). Just like in training, if I don't do this smart, then it is sure to implode in my face. And really, this isn't a race I can afford to bonk.

I Guess If I HAVE To Write SOMETHING...

2011-07-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I have a very sick and miserable baby lying on my chest. Not quite three weeks into returning to work, and I wasn't able to make it through without getting THE phone call. The one phone call that every working mother probably dreads and fears more than almost anything else. The one when the daycare calls to tell you that your child is running a fever and could you please drop everything you're doing and come get him/her. (Except for its really not a question, because its not like you could answer 'No, that's actually not going to be convenient for me'). Granted, if you're going to get THE phone call, then 2pm on a Friday afternoon is probably the most ideal time ever to get it, but still. I had a pile of files, phone calls, and paperwork on my desk that I was kind of hoping to have obliterated by the end of the day, and therefore not have to walk into on Monday morning. But really I completely digress.

The baby. She's sick. Again. She's been dancing between teething and ear infections for about a month now, and has been truly miserable. Unfortunately, a miserable baby makes for a miserable mommy because everything becomes more difficult when you have a snotty, crying lump of human that insists on clinging to you 24/7. And I totally get that she's in pain and needs her mommy and were there nothing else going on in my life, then I would be more than happy to cuddle with her all of the time. But there are of course LOTS of other things going on, and you know, its not really convenient for me to be a human security blanket for one month straight. Especially when it disrupts both my sleep and my running schedule. I mean, I'll suffer through trying to make dinner, clean up the kitchen, do laundry, and pack backpacks with a baby attached to my hip, but now you want to encroach on my sleep and running time too? Two times that are specifically meant only for me, and are teeny, eensy, weensy windows anyway?! Not cool, baby. Not cool.

But this too shall pass. At least that is my continual mantra always and always with my kids. BoBo is back-talking and arguing constantly. I mean, the words, 'I don't have to listen to you, you're not the boss of me, and I will do what I want' have actually come out of her mouth. WTF?! The Punk jabbers night and day, non-stop, stream of consciousness- like, about anything and everything that pops into his head, or crosses his line of vision. Seriously, it never stops. But, I have to believe that the behavior will always pass. Of course, its always replaced by some other reprehensible or otherwise annoying habit, but nevermind that. The point is that eventually the soul-crushing misery that only a teething baby can cause will pass as well.

Other than that, my kids really are very cute, and do cute things a lot, and make me smile because they are so stinkin' adorable. Life is busy, but in a pretty good way, and really, its what I thrive on. If you're someone who likes schedules, and time management and organization as much as I do, its incredibly jarring to the system to have three kids, work a chaotic job, and have a husband with ADD. But I think that's why I thrive on it... because its challenging. Something that I've learned about myself more than anything else in the past 10 years is that I like being challenged. Really, really like it. Sure, its uncomfortable, and messy, and sometimes leads to disappointment and failure. But most of the time, when you have the feeling of rising up to meet a challenge, its an incredible and amazing feeling. And far too many people shy away from it because of all of the icky scary and uncomfortable stuff, and don't ever get to experience the energy-boosting shot of adrenaline that meeting challenges creates. True, some challenges aren't exactly choices, and you either plug through, or you die (usually just metaphorically). End of story. But I like to voluntarily challenge myself everyday, someway. Sure, every once in awhile it bombs on me. But most of the time I just end up feeling like a rockstar. Confidence can do a lot for overall mental health and happiness. I don't think it gets enough credit.

But, moving on. Baby is still sleeping, and so I guess I'll keep typing. You all needed someway to put off housework this weekend anyway. I just looked at my calendar for August at work earlier today, and oh.em.eff.gee... its looks like a pen exploded all over it. Completely packed before it even started. There are baby showers, and birthday parties, and BBQs, and out-of-town trips all planned for the weekends, plus work trainings, and home visits, and school open houses, and activities all clogging up the weekdays. I'm sure you all can actually very much relate. Throw in all the mileage I am needing to put in this month, and things might be slightly out of control. (Especially since I also voluntarily signed BoBo up for gymnastics and The Punk up for soccer this fall. Really?!) But my current strategy for time management is working for me (i.e. less Facebook time. Who knew?!), and I've even been able to squeeze in about 45 minutes of strength training 3x per week on top of everything else. I think this is really, really helping with my form and so far (knock on wood), is keeping me injury free. Our morning and after school routines are pretty unwavering, I plan and prep meals like a mad-fool, and I'm a nazi about bedtime these days. Nothing ever actually goes as planned, but that is where the challenging comes in, remember? I daresay I'm quicker on my feet than most wild game hunters. For reals.

Finally, I'm in the market for a new pair of running shoes. I've owned Nikes, and New Balances, and Adidas, and Asics. I'm now in a pair of Brooks Adrenaline GTS. And I have just yet to find anything that I'm really crazy about. I stopped into GoRun today to get some more gels, and talked up the super cutie that works there about Newtons. I'm intrigued. I'll need a new pair sometime in between the half-marathon that I'm running at the end of August, and Prairiefire in October. So we'll see.

Baby's in bed now. BoBo and The Punk are spending the night with Papa and Mimi (LOVE my parents!). Mike cleaned the kitchen up. (I'm sure he did it all wrong, but I'm getting a lot better at accepting the help, and not going back through and cleaning it up right. Its another challenge, you see?). Its Friday, which means I get to 'sleep in' tomorrow (at least until the baby wakes up, which is usually 6:30am). If you actually made it all the way to the end of this, then gold star for you. I'm impressed. But, really, you don't actually get a gold star. I just don't have time to keep track of that. There is of course about a million things that I should probably do with this time, but every once in awhile I really do just sit and do nothing. Tomorrow will be for writing those thank-you notes, and washing the sheets, and cleaning the toilets, and making my grocery list, and getting in another workout. But tonight... tonight I won't be doing a damn thing. Now where did my glass of wine go. I've got magazines to flip through...

All Is Fair In Love and Work

2011-07-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

As I already knew, this last week was a blitz and my ability to have any time to blog is going to be almost nill. While the kids are being entertained by grandparents for awhile, I thought I would pop on for a quick update, with some of my thoughts (and realizations) from the week, and then unfortunately (or fortunately, I guess whichever way you look at it), it might be crickets around here for awhile. Inhale as much of the rambliness as you can now then, because you just might miss it while its gone!

Every time I have returned to work (or started doing more work) from being primarily at home with my kids, it has always been a spiritual experience. I become a completely new person. I'm happy and fulfilled, and my interactions with my kids improve exponentially. Its really just how things were meant to be. I've blogged a lot about how working makes me a better mom though, and so I'm not going to ramble on and on about it. But seriously. I'm a pretty rockstar mom when I spend less time with my kids, and that, for better or worse, is just how it is.

And I love my job. I mean, love it. On the Friday before I returned to work, my supervisor texted me (rather sheepishly) that she had eight new referrals that would be sitting on my desk Monday morning. And I was thrilled. I jumped back in as if I had never even left, and its been fantastic. The people that I work with are all the best at what they do, and I feel really lucky and inspired most days to be working alongside them. Its a pretty frenetic pace, no day is ever the same, and most of the time I'm knee-deep in bat-shit craziness, but I'm usually loving every minute of it. When you're a social worker, or at least a good social worker, then it is not a career... it is a calling. This is just what I was born to do.

The daycare situation could not have worked out more perfectly, and of course this would totally not be happening if I weren't so head-over-heels in love with my kids' preschool/daycare. I will never be able to speak highly enough of Discovery Place, and seriously some day when I die and hopefully have lots of money to give away, I will be endowing much of it to them. They're fabulous, and they've been super, super, SUPER good to us. All three kids are going, and love it there. Morning drop-off sucks with Baby Girl, because she's a baby and she cries, but when I stand outside the door to see when she stops (like all good moms do), its usually within two minutes. And everyone is happy, and bubbly, and jabbering non-stop when I pick them up, and really... I've never seen my kids happier. That makes me happy. (Yeah, I'm totally not one of those moms that worries the slightest about how much happier my kids are without me 24/7. At all.)

So, life is busy, but its a good busy. Things are a little hairier right now for a couple of reasons, but nothing I can't hurdle. My husband, who is normally working long hours anyway, has become virtually non-existent because of a 7.5 million dollar grant that he is writing for the feds. As you can imagine, writing a document to convince someone that you could use that much money takes up a lot of effing time. Fortunately for him, his wife has written grants for millions of dollars before, and so not only have I been totally understanding (well, most of the time), but I also have been trying to help as much as possible. You know, in between working my own job and raising three kids as a single mother. The important part of all of this is that hopefully they do get this grant, and then I might get my husband back since he'll be able to cut back his hours significantly, without cutting his salary too much. Hopefully. (I've been hoping to have my husband back for five years now, and so I'm trying not to hold my breath).

The other monkey wrench this week, is that my normal 12-hours-through-the-night sleeper has been teething BAD, and has been up for no less than two hours in the wee small hours of the morning, every morning. Getting out to run at 5am after having been up with a baby from 2-4am SUCKS. Really bad. By the end of the week I was behind 4 miles, and went out after dinner on Friday, which was interesting since it was 101 degrees out. But, really, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and it was one of the best pace times I've had since coming back after injury. I don't know that I'll make a habit of it, but I'd feel pretty confident and comfortable having to do it again if I had to. We'll file that away under 'good information to know.'

Other than the bizarre baby sleep schedule, my workout/running routine hasn't really been affected at all by the return to work, and if anything those early morning workouts are what help me have the energy and stamina to make it through the day. I'm gradually (very gradually) building my mileage back up again, in hopes of being marathon ready again by the fall... sans any injury. Ensuring that I eat enough when I'm running around all day takes a lot of forethought and planning to ensure I have access to healthy, high-calorie meals and snacks, but this was an issue even when I was at home, and so I've sort of perfected eating-on-the-go (or on-the-sly as was the case when I was with the kids). I'm this close to buying a juicer, since I think that slurping down some more calories would actually be pretty ideal. Plus, I've become fascinated with vegan athletes.

I'm finding evenings and Saturdays are also fun again. I'm not so over-the-top fed up and annoyed with my kids by the evenings and weekend, and so we end up enjoying that time together. Twice during the week we went swimming for a short time after dinner. Our weekends are also usually just as crazy-paced as our weekdays, and so its nice to at least not already be at each other's throats by that time. Yesterday morning, in particular, amidst running to the gym, doing some cleaning, and getting ready for family pictures and my father-in-law's surprise birthday party (oh yeah, I also planned a birthday party this week too. I'm not lying in saying it was a blitz!), I really had a lot of fun with my kids.

But, with that being said, there is one issue that is looming over me, and needs some serious attention: Bedtime. It needs work. That is all I'm going to say about that right now. Potential for a future blog post, but don't hold your breath. Bootcamp starts this week.

So there you have it. It was a good week. I'm totally energized and ready for more. In between having family in town, I've been working on all of the stuff that absolutely needs to get done on the weekends now: laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping, backpack stuffing, and cleaning. Most of that had to be put off until today, but after starting the day with a long run, spending some really great quality time with my kids and family, and now having some time to blog a little about it, then I'm filled up and ready to go. This is all not anything that literally millions of mothers and families do every day. Its actually pretty standard, really. (Seriously, raise your hand right now if you're NOT crazy busy and running around like a chicken with your head cut off? Exactly.) But I'm counting myself as lucky to be one of those moms. Pretty crazy happy with my life right now, an as always just looking forward to both the rewards, and the challenges, that it wants to throw at me. Bring.it.on!

Since You DIDN'T Ask...

2011-07-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

I occurred to me today that I haven't posted again since last week, mostly because I: a) Haven't really had time, and b) I haven't had a chance to get my thoughts organized enough to really feel like I could write something coherent. The first one has remedied itself slightly since it is nap time here, and since my older two haven't fallen asleep, then I don't really feel like I probably should either. So, I'm drinking iced coffee and trying to stay awake. The second point is still problematic, and so it's terribly possible that this post will be all rambly and incoherent, and probably really not worth anyone's time to read. You know, like usual.

Really, first and foremost, I'm feeling incredibly lucky and blessed. My friend, Amanda, asked as we were running this morning how I was feeling about being a week out from returning to work, and I told her, interestingly enough... that I have the least amount of anxiety about it then I've ever had about anything in my life (aside from maybe marrying my husband, of course). We both agreed that THAT is a blessing in itself, and signifies just how 'right' of a decision it was. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind (and was reminded of this by my dear friend, and rockstar mom, Hannah) that had I needed to continue to stay at home with my kids for whatever reason, that I could've done it. Because I will always strive to make the best of situations, no matter what they are. That's just how I roll. Making lemonade out of lemons? I'll effin' make Lemon Cream Pie with a mouth-watering meringue, and grated lemon peel on top. More than anything, that I can't remind myself of enough, I realize more and more that I just don't have time to let stuff get me down. And life is just so much more enjoyable when you're, ummmm.... enjoying it. Wallowing in negativity is not only a.waste.of.time, but its a self-fulfilling prophecy. I seriously don't know one negative person who's really been successful in life. And no, I don't count having a reality show as being 'successful.'

Anyway... even though I won't be staying home with my kids full-time anymore, I also feel really good, and blessed, and excited about returning to work because its an opportunity for me to have my cake and eat it too, really. One of my biggest struggles in motherhood has been the art of balancing meaningful work (and using the education I kind of paid a lot of money for), and also having time to raise my kids as they were babies. I feel extremely fortunate that I have been able to stay home with each of the kids during the first year of their life, and have always managed to find a way to juggle outside work, consulting jobs, and flexible part-time opportunities during this time. But as any work-at-home mom can tell you, doing work while the kids are at home is damn near impossible, and finding part-time, intermittent and quality childcare that doesn't cost you a second mortgage is equally as difficult. Not to mention that so many women are forced to work full-time because they can't afford not to, or all of the women who are forced to stay-at-home full-time because they literally can't afford to work (ridiculous, right?!). To have this opportunity to do work that is meaningful and enjoyable for me, that I can make decent money at, that I can use that graduate degree that came with a hefty price tag for, that is flexible enough with hours and days that I won't feel like I'm running a rat race, and that allows me to pay for childcare that I am extremely comfortable and happy with? Well, that is pretty near priceless.

And so I can't help but feel not only ecstatic about this opportunity, but extremely lucky too. I will have the flexibility and schedule to take time off here and there to spend with my kids, catch up on home projects, or just give myself a mental health day. I will be working enough though that I can continue furthering my career, obtain my clinical licensure, and get my play therapy certification. It's like the perfect trifecta of work, home and family harmony. I'm not naive enough to think that there won't be time that will be rough, or times that I'll be stressed and anxious about keeping it all together. I've worked full-time with kids before, and being a full-time working mom is intense, no doubt. But I'm feeling so fortunate to have the opportunities that I have ahead of me, that its hard to not feel anything but really, really, really freakin' good about it. (Not to mention my husband who always has been, and continues to be, super supportive of my decisions. Such a lucky girl!)

In other news, I started running again coming off the stress fracture hiatus, and I feel good. I've been trying really hard to be 'smart' about it, and not come full-speed out of the gate like every fiber in my being is wanting to after being off for a month. A couple of good (but dreadfully boring) treadmill runs last week, and then a fantastic 'long' (5 miles) run for the first time on the pavement on Sunday. Definitely feels like shaking the cobwebs out a little, even after trying to keep on top of cross-training in the interim. Ran this morning after 4 hours sleep, and too much beer and food last night, and it was a less than stellar performance. But I always enjoy spending time with my friends regardless and so no run is a 'bad' run, really. When you're off due to injury, then it really is magical to just be back out there. Got to also discuss with Amanda this morning some possibilities for doing a triathalon next year, which I'm getting excited about. Will more than likely do it with Team in Training to raise money for a great cause too, and I'm looking forward to a new adventure.

First, however, I have a score to settle with the marathon. My first week of training for the Prairie Fire should've been last week, and so I'm already going to be behind the curve in training for it. At this point it is more than likely that I will not set myself up for a bad experience again by committing to run the full until I get closer to October. If its not happening, then its not happening and I'm totally okay with running the half. What I most likely WILL be doing is traveling to Memphis in December with the best running buddies ever, and running that marathon together. We'll be driving, have our spouses with us, and since the race is on a Saturday, then we'll also be staying another night before driving home. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm going to see just how well I pick back up after this injury this month, and if I feel really good and am back up to 20-25 mile weeks by the end of the month, then all systems will be go. Mother effin' redemption, kids.

So finally, this week is just about cramming in as much as I can while I still have the time at home, and trying to enjoy my kiddos to the fullest. We have doctor's appointments, car work, and birthday party planning on for the week (BoBo turns FIVE on Friday... I'm still in denial), as well as more home improvement and organization projects. My goal is to make the transition as effortless and seamless as possible. When you're a full-time working mom, its all about systems, and organization, and schedules. I already thrive off of all three anyway, and so I'm looking forward to the challenge of stepping it up a few notches. And dressing less on the 'hobo' end of the spectrum, and more on the 'super chic and MILF-y' end of the spectrum. Still need to decide what to do with this hair, though...

Back to the Grind (Otherwise Known as Mommy's Liberation)

2011-06-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

That's right, folks. If you aren't lucky enough to be my personal friend on Facebook, then you may or may not be aware yet that I am returning to work. In two weeks. And I couldn't be more than over-the-top, squealing like a school girl (or myself), almost-wet-my-pants, excited about it. Never has it been more clear to me than in the three weeks I have been with my children this summer, sans any childcare or preschool, that I am a better mother when I am working and someone else is with them. If this makes me a bad mother in general, then so be it. The reality of the situation is that I can't stand my kids when I'm with them all the time (and really, honestly, VICE VERSA). And so now they can hang out with their friends, and do activities, and be with people who will generally fawn over them during the day, and I can do something fulfilling AND make money. And not all of that money will go toward paying the people that will fawn over them. Score!

The other major part of this news is that the work I am returning to is the exact same job that I agonized over leaving when Baby Girl was born. Its work I love, with people I love, and with hours and flexibility that I love. Another score! For the next two weeks, however, I will be scrambling around trying to get this house in organized and clutter-free shape before hitting the full-time grind again. I've done the full-time work dog-and-pony show for well over a year starting when Eli was 9 months old, and so I'm not really anxious or worried this time around about it. It totally helps to be getting off at 4pm... that hours makes a HUGE difference. Its a lot of work, and takes going balls to the wall from 5am until about 11pm to make it work, but I know exactly how to do it. And I (sometimes) rest on the weekends.

One of the things that comes in super handy when working full-time though is meal planning, and meal prepping. A fellow blogger and full-time working mom recently hinted (or maybe demanded?) that she'd like to see a blog post about breakfast and dinner ideas when you're rushing in and out the door. This I can provide. Its not exhaustive by any means, and I certainly welcome any other input and suggestions. For the sake of time, I'll be listing out ideas sort of stream-of-consciousness like, and so hopefully it ends up making sense. And you'll notice that I list some staples, because there are things that we eat all of the time and never get tired of. Ever. If it works, then I don't worry about fixing it!

For breakfast, some of my pantry staples and ideas:

Fresh fruit. Easy peasy. I usually couple this with oatmeal, toast, yogurt, waffles or french toast sticks.
Yogurt. I like the individual serving size tubes. They're more expensive, but less wasteful and messy. My fave brands are Yoplait's Simply GoGurt and Horizon Organic.
Earth's Best Waffles and French Toast Sticks. Pop the in the toaster and they're done. Again, a little more expensive then their Eggo counterparts, but minus any HFCS and other junk. My kids LOVE them, and they're tasty enough that the kids eat them without syrup or toppings (plus they travel well). You can usually catch a good sale every once in awhile at Dillons and Target. So nice when I don't have time to make the real thing. Like, always.
Mini-muffins. If I have the time the night before, then I'll make mini-muffins for breakfast. These can usually last us for several days.
Cream-cheese sammies. Essentially cream cheese with fruit (banana, strawberries or blueberries are my kids favorites) on a sandwich. I cut the crusts off and cut them into little squares, and they're the perfect finger food.
Whole-grain tortillas. These are great for making ANY kind of 'pinwheels' in the morning (with peanut butter, etc.), or filling with eggs and cheese for breakfast quesadillas.
Mini-bagel sandwiches. Mix up some scrambled eggs, sausage or ham (if you're a meat-eater) and then either veganaise and mustard OR greek yogurt and chili powder and you have a great filling for a bagel sandwich.

(Summer) Dinner Ideas:

Pita pockets. They're perfect for stuffing with all kinds of different fillings and spreads (my new favorite is combining hummus with greek yogurt) OR filling with pizza fillings, wrapping in aluminum foil and baking in the oven.
Veggie kabobs. We do this almost weekly. Add meat again if you are into that sort of thing. Switch up the marinade, or use dipping sauces (one of my kids faves is when I also bake french bread and then they dip the veggies and bread in marinara). Grilled fruit with greek yogurt and honey is also yummy!
Grilled fish or crab cakes. My husband and kids love when I grill fish or crab cakes. I'll usually marinate or prep the night before. I also add a relish like Cool Cucumber (1 c. greek yogurt, 1 minced garlic clove, 1/2 large cucumber, seeded and diced, 2 T. fresh mint leaves and black pepper to taste). If you're really stretched for time, then fish sticks will suffice.
Quesadillas. My kids are big fans. They're favorite filling is when I saute black beans, grated sweet potato, and cumin and then add it with cheese and grill the quesadilla.
Whole-grain tortillas (again). Yummy for wraps, 'pinwheels,' burritos, etc.
Make-ahead meals. When I have the time (RIGHT!), then I freeze meals like a crazy person, or make up casseroles the night before that just need to be stuffed in the oven. Some of my favorites include Mexican Lasagna, Spaghetti Pie, and Southwestern Rice Bake.
Whole-grain pasta. Combined with olive oil, seasoning, and veggies and its perfect. You can come up with all kinds of combos, and even throw in feta cheese or pine nuts. My most favorite is to saute salsa, green peppers, corn and sometimes tofu/or chik'n (you can use real chicken tenders too, of course. Throw together with whole-grain penne and sprinkle on some cheese, and its DE-LISH!)
Grilled Veggie/Turkey Burgers w/ avocado. 'Nuff said. Sooooo yummy! Add grilled corn and salad, and its a meal!
Sloppy Joes. Search for my Lentil and Seitan recipe to make them meat-free, and then top with avocado slices as well. I usually prep the veggies and 'sauce' for this the night before.
Monkey platters. Essentially just a plate full of fruit, veggies, cheeses, hummus and whatever else for everyone to just grab and graze from. Super easy, and fun for setting up on the deck and spending the evening outdoors.

And that is about as far as I'm going to get for now...the natives are getting restless. Add as many other ideas and suggestions as you can!

What Has Your Body Done For You Lately?

2011-06-19T04:27:00.000-07:00

A friend of mind posted this fantastic article, Your Weight Is Not Your Worth, on Facebook yesterday, and I cannot even begin to try to describe just how many ways I'm in love with it. I really feel like I could've written it myself... although not nearly as eloquent. Or concise. But it completely speaks to the body image 'philosophy' that I've begun to subscribe to for myself over the last six months, and its a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Whether you have weight issues or not, its hard to escape body image issues as a woman in this country. Again, I have a whole dissertation I could write on the topic. (Actually, Jean Kilbourne has pretty much done that with her dissection of the advertising media in her film series, Killing Us Softly. I show the entire video in my women's studies classes, but this is a great 'blurb' from YouTube, as well as this one. Seriously, watch them. She's fantastic). Even though I've never been overweight, I've certainly scrutinized my body very critically over the years, worrying about weight (yes, even as I've been thin), cellulite dimples, varicose veins, small breasts, acne, body hair and... as I've had children, you can then also add saggy tummy skin and 'muffin-top' to that list. I can't bear to think of all of the horrible things I have done to my body, like tanning, waxing, starving, or otherwise torturing it to try to achieve some ideal. And of course this not only led to further contempt of my body, but also could be directly correlated to how much contempt I really had for myself.

As I began running again after this last pregnancy, I tried really hard not to get caught up in this self-loathing so much. Running is 'easy' for me because I love it so much, and its because I love it so much then I also enjoy trying to do it well, and better. Its never been about trying to lose weight or lose cellulite or lose anything really. Its all about gaining strength, gaining speed, gaining confidence. Marathon training was not only my way of pushing my running to another level, but also proving to myself that me, and my body, have what it takes to be pushed that hard. (And marathons are just the beginning for me. I hope to some day also do a triathalon, and maybe even at some point an ultra-marathon). My point being though that it felt really, really good to be working toward something other than just trying to look better. And I really have come to appreciate all that my body can do, whether it be with running, cycling, yoga or however else I choose to workout. I appreciate and feel blessed for how strong I am, and what I am capable of.

I've found that this appreciation not only makes working out more enjoyable, it also then inevitably bleeds out into other areas of my life. Working out gives me more energy and strength to play with my kids. I can run around in the backyard with them, wrestle on the floor, and swim with them in the pool. I can't even tell you what a boost it gives me when they're so excited to see mommy come back from a run in the morning, the look of awe on their faces when I dive off the diving board at the pool, or how tickled it makes them when I lift them high up into the air over and over again outside. I love my body for being able to keep up with our crazy-paced life, and for being able to keep up with my kids. Having been unable to do a lot of that in the last trimester of my pregnancies, I have a genuine sense of appreciation for it. I can't wait until they get older and we can also go skiing, trail-hiking, snorkeling, kayaking, and mountain biking for vacations.

I also love how eating looks differently to me when I appreciate my body, instead of loathe it. Eating isn't about depriving myself anymore. Its all about nourishment and fuel. I've already talked about how it becomes easy for me not to eat crap, because I don't like how crap makes me feel, and I don't like how it makes me perform. But I also don't feel the slightest amount of guilt about eating a few donuts, a slice of cake, or a couple of cookies. And honestly, after having to count calories a month ago because I was losing so much weight, I cannot even imagine a more joyless or painful approach to eating. I now have a sense of what it takes to keep me fueled and healthy, and I literally do not worry about what I eat. I know its healthy, its good for my body, and I just enjoy it. What a concept!

Quality of life plays so much into what its like to be active and happy with what my body can do. I look at both my parents, as well as my husband's parents, and just how vibrant, energetic and happy they are as active people. And its no secret that my husband is a good 20-some years older than I am, but I've definitely met my equal when it comes to enjoying and appreciating being healthy, active and strong. Mike still works out almost everyday, and even though I can run laps around him, he still can kick my ass in racquetball everytime (something I hope to remedy. Someday).

All of this is to say that I couldn't agree more with what positive body image and appreciation can do for overall well-being and happiness. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight and become healthier. But when you approach it with the notion of how losing that weight will make you look, then its hard not to feel defeated, self-deprecating, and contemptful when you can't reach an ideal that is pretty unattainable for most people. The fact of the matter is that when you're comparing yourself to models and celebrity moms, then it is pretty difficult (if not impossible) to become truly happy with our own appearance. But if you decide to lose weight because you want to feel better, make yourself stronger, and be proud of the incredible body that you have, then its easy to feel really good about the progress that you make, and the amazing things you begin to do that you never even realized were possible.

And you know what? Once I stopped focusing on the saggy mommy belly that has been the bane of my existence for longer than I can remember, the more it has actually improved these last few months. I've been doing Pilates, Hot Yoga, and Core Synergenics because I love how they make me feel so strong, and improve my running form, and in the meantime the belly has gradually begun to disappear. Yesterday for the first time, I realized that I could start legitimately start wearing a bikini again if I wanted to. I'm not going to look like a Victoria's Secret model by any stretch, but I will proudly show off the body that I have begun to love and be super proud of. Stretch marks, varicose veins and all.

Dusting Myself Off

2011-06-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

This week post-marathon has been interesting. And by interesting, I mean really freaking crazy. Its been up and down for me, both physically and mentally, and I've been all over the map any given hour in terms of how I feel. These fluctuations in mood and energy have also made it really hard to be home with the kids all week, and try to keep up with everything around here. My husband has been virtually non-existent as he hosted a major conference with the governor, and so I had even less respite than usual from being with my children 24/7. This is always a recipe for disaster. Throw in a painful sunburn, heat blisters on my mouth, and a stress fracture diagnosis and let's just say that someone might have been a little bitchy. And anxiously networking and scanning the want ads for work outside the home.

I've been trying to stay super, super positive about the marathon. Because, honestly the training and the race itself were terribly disappointing for me, and if left to my own devices, I could easily fall into a deep depression about it. This was just not how I wanted everything to go and being injured nearly a quarter of my training time, and then on race day was beyond frustrating. A six-hour marathon time was like a punch in the gut compared to what I know I am capable of. Especially with all the time and energy that I put into training. But I'm not into spending time focusing on negative energy. Its toxic, its an inefficient use of time, and it is what separates successful people from unsuccessful people, truly. The positives are that I still ran and completed a marathon, like I said I would, and that this tiny blip of a setback is not going to discourage me in the least from pushing forward and trying again. And again. And again.

I also learned a lot about myself during this time, and have gained sooooo much from this experience. It may not have been the best training or race, but it still reinforced why I love running so much, how strong I am mentally, and exactly what I need to do to pick myself up, dust myself off, and push forward. I certainly made mistakes in this process and it would be easy to beat myself up about it. But again, there's nothing to be gained from that. Instead, I choose to learn from my mistakes, learn from the experience of what its like to try to keep moving for 26.2 miles, and work on it again. I know that healing from this stress fracture is going to be difficult; I'm already dying to get out for a run again. But I've got a great plan in place for staying in shape while I recover, and am inundating myself with information and training ideas for when I do finally get to get back out there.

So, in all of this whirlwind of physical and emotional pain and exhaustion this week, I'm feeling renewed and strong. I'm looking forward to pushing forward professionally, personally, and in my training. I'm going to try my darndest to really enjoy this time that I have home with my kids, and am working tirelessly to get projects and home improvements done around the house. Every cloud has a silver lining. Its all about perspective. And we're our own worst critics. Because even though I'm disappointed in my marathon time, my friends and family couldn't be more supportive or proud about the accomplishment, and could really care less about the time. That should probably tell me something.

Small note: I'm changing things up on the blog a little. Danielle for Danielle Moss Graphic Design + Photography (formally The Design Girl) is going to be changing my banner up a bit for me, and I'm changing the focus from exclusively parenting and green-living, to also include all of the other stuff (including running) that I generally like to blog about. You know, healthy eating, positive thinking, yoga, work/home balance, etc. New tag line: Vegetarian, yoga-loving, treehugging, (mother) runner. I figured it was about time! I have listed new favorite websites, and blogs that I follow to represent some of this change, and have included an Upcoming Races tab at the top.

How Not To Run A Marathon: Part II

2011-06-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is Part Deux of my marathon experience. This is exactly where the 'How NOT To' in the title comes into play:

Do NOT pick a marathon that limits you to flying out at 3:15p on the day of the marathon. I have absolutely no regrets about running San Diego, but if I had it to do over again I would make sure I could get a later flight (or in this case, since later flights weren't available, fly out the next day). Knowing that I had to catch that flight is what not only slowed me down (I knew I needed to still be able to walk by the end of the race), but is also what made those last miles excruciating (I was out of energy and in pain, but nervous as hell about getting done).

Do NOT rely on only one transportation plan to get back from the race. I purchased an $8 shuttle ticket to get back to the hotel. Only to find out that I missed the last shuttle by about 5 minutes (which was CRAZY since I certainly wasn't even close to being the last across the finish line), but whatever. I had some cash, but not enough for a cab. I ended up having to WALK the entire parking lot twice to get a shuttle that could take me to Old Town, and then had to take a trolley (with TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS to get to) to Downtown, and then had to WALK 5 blocks to my hotel. So.not.cool. And I was thinking about taking a hacksaw to my foot at this point. I think the pain would've been less.

Do NOT skip taking a shower after your race. Again, this was because of the time factor, but it totally sucked. By the time I got to my hotel, it was 2:25p, and I had to race to the room and throw on clean clothes, collect my stuff, and get to the airport.

Do NOT cut getting to the airport so close that ticket counter clerks with attitude almost don't let you check-in. Seriously. By this time I had already been running around AFTER running a marathon, had not showered, and now they were threatening to not check me in. Things may or may not have gotten ugly at this point. It was 2:45p and my flight was at 3:15p, and so I knew they were just starting to board, and weren't like holding the plane or anything. I finally broke out the tears (not entirely artificial at this point), and got through. It took me all of 2 minutes to get through security, and they were still half-way through boarding when I got to the gate. WTF ever!

Do NOT only eat a bag of pretzels and a half a bagel after your race. A no brainer, I know, but in my rush to make my flight this was all I had eaten, along with water. As we were taking off I became so intensely nauseous, I can't even tell you. I think the intense throbbing in my foot also didn't help, and of course I wasn't in a position that taking Ibuprofren was exactly going to help. That 2-hour flight was one of the longest of my life. Like, maybe longer than the actual marathon. Thankfully, one of the attendants helped me out with some water, Sprite and a can of Pringles. By the time we landed (after really bad turbulence, I might add), I was finally feeling a little more normal again. Or at least like I could walk off the plane without yacking.

Do NOT get your period the morning before the race. 'Nuf said. So, you know, I was dealing with all of THAT the entire day too. And now without a shower. Ewwwwwww!

And finally... Do NOT disrespect the distance. My biggest lesson, as I've thought about it more these last two days is that you cannot be injured, and not put in the mileage like I did, and expect to do very well. I think even if my foot weren't injured, it would've been hard for me to pull off a sub- 5 hour marathon without putting in those final 18- and 20-mile long runs. Sure, if you can run a half than you can run a full... but not very well. I don't care how much of an athlete you are, if you don't train for that kind of distance and mileage, then that race can eat you alive. I knew I wasn't ready as I wanted to be, but I also wasn't as ready as I thought I was. And really, I needed that over-confidence to get me through. But, I've done a lot of reading these last few days about training again, and every single world-class athlete that has written about the matter is crystal clear: You have to put in the miles if you expect to really do your best at that race. Duh.

Of course, in the end, there wasn't anything I could do about being injured and it was more important to me with this race to at least be able to be there and finish, then do well. If I hadn't of taken the time off like I had, I know I wouldn't have been able to run at all. For my first marathon, given the circumstances, it was a good experience. But as mentioned before, I'm racing this time IN TOWN, and that way I have some room to change my plans (and shower afterward!) if need be. Hoping this training and race go more smoothly. A lot more smoothly.

How Not to Run A Marathon: Part I

2011-06-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the title is really in jest. Kind of. I finished my first marathon yesterday, and for the most part it was a great experience. I had an awesome time in San Diego with my friend Amanda, and her friend Shannon and family. It was really nice to get away for a little bit, and I enjoyed the girl-time and support. But the marathon itself didn't turn out how I had hoped it would, and even though I'm at peace with that and just so glad to say that I did it, and I finished, ...it was a long, hard morning yesterday.

Things started out fantastic. Amanda and I woke up early, got ready and headed to the starting line. I had ample time to eat something, go to the bathroom (twice) and get settled in my corral before anything started. The mood and the energy was AMAZING. Had a lot of fun conversing with runners around me, and learning about their stories. The race started at 6:15am for the first corral of elite runners. By the time I actually crossed the starting line, it was about 7am.

Felt absolutely great the first 8 miles. I had some side stitch issues for the first few miles which was kind of aggravating since I haven't dealt with those in forever, but it wasn't anything I couldn't just run through. Was going between 10:30 and 11:00 pace which was exactly where I wanted to be. Walked through the water stations, and things were going perfectly. I was on the biggest high of my life; the feeling is indescribable. By mile 8 though, my foot started talking to me. Everything in me wanted to just put it out of my mind, and push through it. By mile 10, I couldn't ignore it anymore. I started walking it out about every 1/2 mile for a minute. By the time I got to mile 14, my foot was screaming and my walk breaks were getting longer. With another 12 miles still left to go, I will admit that I was completely devastated.

I knew going into this that the foot might be a problem. I had not had a run in the last two weeks that I hadn't felt it, and I hadn't run further than 10 miles since I injured it a month ago at the half- marathon. I was optimistic however because I had laid off of it for the last week, and done low-impact cardio instead. It didn't feel 100% healed, but it wasn't bad either. I was praying to the marathon gods that I could at least get through the race. When that didn't happen, I had to completely re- think my strategy, and bury any hopes of meeting any of my time goals. That was a hard pill to swallow.

But I knew I wasn't going to get through the race, if I didn't stay positive. I kept hearing my 'coaches': Amanda, Jenn, and Hannah, in my head telling me just to enjoy the experience, and not worry about my time. And admittedly, it was hard not to really appreciate such a beautiful course. The weather was great (although without much breeze and a very intense sun). And so I kept plugging along, mile after mile, running slow and steady, with intervals of walk breaks in between. Mentally I had to keep reminding myself that it didn't matter what time I finished at this point, it was just important that I was doing it and would be finishing. I tried to enjoy the music along the way, the spectators cheering, and my fellow marathoners all pushing each other along. I cannot even begin to describe the amazing commraderie and feeling of connectedness when you're all out there together as runners. Not to mention all of the 'In Honor Of' and 'In Memory Of' posters, shirts and pictures of cancer patients. It seriously makes me want to cry again as I think about it. It's hard to feel too terribly sorry for yourself when you're healthy and RUNNING A MARATHON, and knowing that that is a gift and a blessing in itself.

That's not to say that it was all warm fuzzies and happy faces. Having that last half of the marathon drag out FOR-EV-ER was mentally and physically crushing. There were more than a few occasions that I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and give-up. I was regretting not having my phone with me, because I wanted to call my husband soooo bad to get a pep talk, and just hear a calm and familiar voice. By mile 20 my foot was not only in pain, but it was cramping up really bad when I tried to run. I was running in quarter-mile intervals at this point, and it was slow-going. I began to mourn the loss of that last month of training as well at this point, because I needed better endurance. By the time I got to mile 26, I was so cooked, I can't even describe the feeling. But I mustered every last drop of anything that I had left, and ran that last .2 in really, really strong, which was so important to me.

At that point unfortunately, I had absolutely no time to really relish in the finish and even process what I had just accomplished. I was running way behind schedule at this point, and needed to get back to the hotel, showered and changed, and to the airport for my 3:15p flight. I called Amanda who had had to leave to make her flight at 2:25p to check-in, and then began trying to make my way to gear check. It was about 1:15p at this point, and so I needed to haul ass. Hauling ass AFTER running a marathon and when you're foot is beyond done with wanting to do anything for you anymore, is not something I endorse. I'm going to write up an entire blog about the nightmare that was my journey to try to get back home, but that's too be continued...

With all of that being said, it was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. And even though the road of training and the marathon itself wasn't exactly how I foresaw my first marathon going, it hasn't discouraged me one bit from trying it again. Because mentally I was completely ready for that marathon. Physically, my body wasn't where it needed to be obviously. But the physical part is 'easy' enough to fix. I need to get this foot completely healed and healthy now, and try to train again, and I know that I can run a healthier and stronger marathon. My plan is to take the time off now to get my foot better, and then start training for the Wichita Prairie Fire Marathon in October. I don't regret this first experience in the least, not only because of what I've learned, but really because I've made such wonderful friends and had such amazing support along the way. I'm proud of myself for having the balls to even put myself out there and do this, and really... with a 6:08 time, there is no where to go but faster!

Beauty Secrets

2011-05-30T14:04:00.001-07:00

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles ~ Audrey Hepburn

I stumbled upon this quote the other day (thank you, Candice Kumai!), and posted it to my personal Facebook page. I just love Audrey Hepburn anyway; she's like the perfect combo of girly-girl and tomboy. She looked as amazing in pearls as she did in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt. There's a reason why she's such a long withstanding style icon and role model. Because she was just an amazing person, inside and out. And the part of the quote that really resonated with me, about 'happy girls being the prettiest girls' has had me thinking again lately. (Really, its become exhausting).

I don't think there is a woman in America who doesn't struggle with body image. Its almost a given that by the time you reach 10-years-old in this country (and sometimes, even much, much sooner), you are going to loathe everything about yourself. Its a terribly sad, yet almost foregone, conclusion. And I'm sure I could write oodles about how media, advertising, the modeling industry, Hollywood, (and on, and on, and on...) play this big ugly role in making women and girls feel bad about themselves. Suffice to say, I think most of us know the story all.too.well.

That being said, I thought about the women that I really admire, and consider pretty, and personal appearance is actually the least of the reasons that I consider them beautiful. And even though some of them do have things (like flat tummies, or flawless skin, or impeccable style) that I would love to have, most of what I love the most about them, and makes them so beautiful, are their personalities.

They all possess an ability to make the people around them feel comfortable, happy and important. I mean people just gravitate to them. They all are smart, and witty, and don't take themselves too seriously. At all. They all genuinely care about other people, and go out of their way to help their friends (over and over again). And they all radiate positive thoughts and feelings, and energy. I mean, they are literally all like freakin' rays of sunshine!

That's not to say that all they do is shit out sunshine and butterflies, either. They're not fake. They all have their hard days, their mistakes, their faults... and they all can be hysterically self-deprecating. I've heard most of them drop the 'f'-bomb on many occasions, and discuss matters that would make a sailor blush. They're tough as nails, and I'd be confident having any one of them back me in a bar fight. But... they're happy people. Genuinely happy. And they make the people around them happy too.

So, as I've been thinking about this, and realizing that happy girls really are the prettiest girls, its made me reflect on myself a little. I spend time worrying about my acne (at 31. I know), or the extra skin pooch around my middle left over from pregnancy (loathe it), or even what I should do with my long swath of hair (it needs to be trimmed, at least!), but I'm never going to be truly satisfied with myself (i.e. be pretty), if I'm not working on being happy first and foremost.

Its all terribly cliche, of course. Beauty IS only skin deep; everyone knows that (duh!). But its been a good wake-up call for me once again to remember what it is that I truly need to focus on to boost my own body image and self-confidence, as well as just a great reminder about the amazing and wonderful people that I choose to surround myself with, and spend time with. They inspire me to be a better (i.e. prettier) person. And since they also make me laugh (i.e. burn calories), then they really are the best investment for self-improvement I've ever made.

Food: My Evolution

2011-05-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that living here in the land of meat and potatoes, that's kind of what I grew up on. My idea of a meal (except for breakfast), was composed entirely around the holy trifecta here in Kansas: meat, starch, vegetable. Usually the starch was some form of potatoes or white rice or white bread. My dad hunts and fishes, and so we had a lot of deer and fish as our meat. Taste trumped good nutrition, and a lot of times things were laden in butter and oil. And this was not only the way my family ate, but this was the way that most families that I knew ate at that time.

I started my revolt against meat in high school, when I decided that it was just barbaric to kill and eat animals. There was really no principal behind it, other then I just personally found it disgusting and was a teenager rebelling against whatever I had some control to rebel against. I never completely gave up meat, however, but did start some really icky health habits during this time such as smoking, drinking mass quantities of Mt. Dew, and eating lots, and lots of sugary snacks and greasy foods (I worked at Dairy Queen during this time, had a discount, and could put a tab against my paycheck... it was ugly). These habits followed me into college, and really even a couple of years after. I never gained weight because I always maintained being active in some way, but my eating and lifestyle were less than stellar. I mean, a typical 'meal' for me was a 32 oz. Mountain Dew and donut sticks from Quick Trip. Its really no wonder I was tired, cranky and depressed a lot of the time.

Shortly after I moved in with my (now) husband, I began cooking actual meals and eating lots better. I was still completely in the dark about a lot of things though, and saving money buying processed and heavily salted crap was still in my repertoire. Even when BoBo was born, my desire to feed her good and healthy foods were completely misguided by really not having any idea or paying attention to what was in what I gave her. I mean it was baby food; how bad could it be, right?

It was shortly after this that I decided to become a vegetarian for the first time. Again, more for the animal cruelty issue than anything, and I just wasn't a big meat-eater anyway. Mike wasn't completely on board, but tolerated my experiment and foray in vegetarianism. My biggest problem was that I relied too heavily on meat substitutes like tofu and veggie burgers, as well as pastas and peanut butter. I wasn't used to eating a lot of fruits and vegetables and so I still didn't use them in my cooking. My diet lost meat then, but became heavy in soy, dairy, and processed carbohydrates. I was a bloated, irritable, lethargic mess. I wasn't getting nearly enough protein in my diet, and eventually brought meat back in. (Epic, but inevitable, fail).

Shortly after The Punk was born then, my step-daughter bought us the Skinny Bitch series of books as a gift. I absolutely loved them, and ate up the information. Both of the authors (Kim Barnouin and Rory Freedman) are vegans, and not only brought up the animal cruelty issue, but also addressed the health issues with meat, dairy eggs, processed foods, and artificial coloring, dyes and sweeteners. Their premise was that a diet should be heavily based on fresh fruits, vegetables, beans and whole grains. A light completely went off in my head. What they said made sense to me, and came at a time in my life when I was at home with a toddler and a newborn, was eating like crap, and was feeling tired, drained and pathetic. I decided to try to be vegan, and this time, do things the 'right' way.

First lesson: Becoming a vegan needs to be gradual. Second one: Becoming vegan in Kansas proved to be terribly difficult and expensive. Dairy substitutes cost a lot more than their 'real' counterparts, and not all of them were terribly appealing to my palate. I was still fresh to the game too, and didn't have a great collection of recipes or experience in vegan/vegetarian cooking, and so I again was just trying to make recipes I already knew by just replacing the meat and dairy with substitutes. So, still relying heavily on pasta, soy/tofu, and peanut butter. I finally decided to buy some vegetarian cookbooks that had simple recipes, that I knew my family would eat, and start to gradually move toward a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle (I recommend The Vegetarian Family Cookbook by Nava Atlas as a start for anyone). It took me a good year to really learn the art of cooking outside of the holy trifecta, and grounding meals around fruit, veggies and whole grains. I also began really getting into literature about the link between food, health and the environment, and read Omnivore's Dilemma and Clean, bought cookbooks by Healthy Bitch's Kim Barnouin, and Stiletto Chef's Candace Kumai, and watched great documentaries like Food, Inc. and Food Matters.

At this stage in the game now, I finally feel really comfortable as a vegetarian cook. As long as I have fresh produce, whole grains and beans in the house, I can whip up just about anything without really needing a lot of recipes anymore (although I love the ones that I have). I rarely cook with pasta, and don't eat peanut butter and tofu for every meal. I feel the best that I ever have in my life, and feel good about the nutritional foundation I've given my children. I respect the hell out of vegans, but am not wholly convinced that dairy and eggs don't have some genuine health benefits. The same goes for meat. I believe strongly that a diet heavy in fruits and veggies is best still. My body pays when I overdo it with dairy or heavy wheat gluten. And I won't support commercial dairy, egg or meat industries that utilize cruel and inhumane practices with their animals. But I do buy organic milk and cheese, cage-free and organic chicken eggs, and for Mike and the kids sometimes: cruelty-free chicken or turkey meat.

I still remain a vegetarian, and will continue to do vegan baking because I like it. I get to use a wide variety of really healthy and wholesome ingredients, and its something that I enjoy. I do fix meat dishes for my family from time to time though, and actually made these turkey burgers the other day that were a HUGE hit (i.e. highly recommend!). I feel like I've kind of ventured the entire spectrum of food, health and nutrition, and have finally found a really healthy, positive, and satisfying place for me and my family. It's been an incredibly interesting, and sometimes painful, journey for me, but I have learned so much in the process. Like I've finally evolved.

Wanting more information on going vegetarian/vegan, or just cooking with more fruits, veggies and whole grains? Aside from the links above, here are some more of my favorite resources:

VegKitchen

Vegetarian Times Magazine

No Meat Athlete

The Kind Life (with Alicia Silverstone)

The Fruitarian

Little Miss Perfect (or not)

2011-05-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit" ~Aristotle

A lot of people would probably label me as a perfectionist. You know, someone who is constantly seeking for everything, including myself, to be perfect. Its an anxiety issue really, and a direct result of obsessive-compulsive disorder which causes me huge amounts of such anxiety when things aren't as I think they should be (i.e. perfect). Of course, nothing can actually be perfect and so striving for such can be a frustrating, anxiety-producing siege of self-loathing and deprecation that knows no bounds. Setting expectations that you can't even possibly begin to fulfill or worrying about things that you have no control over, are probably two of the greatest acts of futility that anyone can participate in, and yet I do it all the time. Over, and over again.

As I learn more about myself though, and work through my perfectionist tendencies and anxiety disorder, I've learned ways to cope and limit some of what could be an almost debilitating problem. I've mentioned before that both my husband and children have really taught me a lot in letting go, setting more reasonable expectations, and not allowing my anxiety to overtake me when things aren't as I think they should be. Lesson learned is that worrying takes A LOT of time and energy; you know, time and energy that I would rather focus on positive thoughts and endeavors.

That being said, I still struggle with it and I still suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time. I still continue to set high expectations for myself, and continue to be frustrated, anxious, sad and furious for not meeting them. My self-esteem and self-worth is a roller-coaster of ups and downs, from day to day (or at times, even minute to minute). I try to give all outward appearances of having it completely together (both for facade, and because it really is a coping mechanism for me. Fake it 'til you make it, right?). And I would have to say that right now in my life, I'm probably the healthiest I've been in this regard, even as up and down as it is. Because even though I still suffer from attacks and still struggle with my self-esteem, I also truly believe that there is some benefit to setting high expectations, and pushing oneself beyond our 'comfortable' capabilities.

Right now, for me, its about finding a balance between creating mental strife due to expecting too much from myself, and becoming stagnant and mediocre in my performance by not expecting enough of myself. This applies to me as a parent, as a wife, as a therapist, and as an athlete, to name a few. I think, most often, what keeps people from realizing their full potential is the fear of failure. I've let that fear limit me more times than I care to recall, and its not something that I'm okay with. I've felt this the most lately in my marathon training where I've been frustrated with my current level of performance. On one hand, I've only been running again for about 4 months, and this is after almost 5 years 'off' and not quite a year after having had my last child. Probably need to cut myself a little slack. On the other hand, it would be so easy to let fear keep me from even trying to run this marathon, and that's not acceptable to me either. I know I can do this, and do it well, and there should be no reason to not set a realistic expectation and then go for it.

So its all a matter of learning that fine balance, and making my perfectionism work for me, and not against me. I can't say that I'm even remotely at a point of reaching that balance yet, but its absolutely worth it to me to continue to strive for it. I don't need to try to be perfect, but I also am not interested in remaining mediocre in any of my skills either. I encourage everyone to relax a little bit more, ease up on the negative thoughts and self-talk (so toxic. Ick!), and give yourself a little more room to make mistakes. If you 'do one thing every day that scares you' (Eleanor Roosevelt), then you not only begin to stop worrying so much about failure, but you also get into the habit of pushing yourself in a healthy and constructive way.

And the anxiety? Well, its not going to completely go away, and then you find ways to cope. Surrounding yourself with positive friends and support is absolutely key. Some times you need medication, and that's okay. Other healthy coping mechanisms include exercise, hobbies, girlfriend time, chocolate (but not too much) or a really good 80s movie marathon. My favorites: Footloose, Sixteen Candles and Some Kind of Wonderful (Hello!? How could you stay in a bad mood with those movies? Really). Oh, and hugs. Lots and lots of hugs...

Fit and Fabulous: My Advice

2011-05-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

I realized lately that invariably, I talk a lot about eating on my blog. Which I guess doesn't surprise me all that much, given that I LOVE to eat. I'm a total foodie, and now that I've really found my groove with both vegetarian cooking and vegan baking, then I'm constantly on the lookout for new recipes or snack ideas. But because I've also become so incredibly aware of just how much WHAT I eat affects me, my mood, my energy and my, ahem... bowels, then I also have standards so (almost) everything that goes in is healthy AND delicious. (It is possible to have a hearty appetite and eat well, I swear!)

I've talked about my addiction to sugar and carbs before. I've mentioned how I try to serve my kids the healthiest options possible (only a few bazillion times, I think). I've even commented on my weight and the intense amount of scrutiny and speculation I receive over my size. I've posted a whole lot of recipes on here that can give you a pretty good idea of what exactly it is that I eat most of the time. And its also no secret that I love to run and do yoga, and Pilates, and am just a pretty active person overall.

But when people ask how I stay so small after having three kids, or have so much energy, there are about five different 'secrets' that I believe are what help me the most when it comes to food and exercise. And they're of course, not really secrets at all... you can find about each one in any health or fitness magazine, website or blog you read anymore. There's a lot of information out there though, and you can get all kinds of advice on how to eat, have energy, gain muscle, etc. This is my short list of what I think really works for eating well and staying healthy.

1. Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

This is a famous quote from Michael Pollan, author of Omnivore's Dilemma. It seems too simple when talking about the human diet, but really its dead-on in my opinion. I've found that I have the most energy, and that I feel the best when a majority of my consumption is fruits, veggies, nuts and whole grains. They fill me up more and so portion control is a non-issue most of the time, and I'm making the most of the calories that I'm eating. Its a tricky transition to make in a culture that emphasizes meats and carbs and super-sized meals, especially in fast food and restaurants. But making the transition to vegetarian has been the best thing that has ever happened to me because it has forced me to really use fruits and vegetables everyday (there's only so much you can do with pasta and peanut butter at some point), and learn to make some really delicious and filling meals and snacks with them.

2. Don't drink your calories.

I love Starbucks as much as the next person, but I really try to make liquid calories a very small part of my diet. Other than two cups of coffee in the morning, and my smoothies (filled with 'good' calories from fruit, soy protein and spinach), then all I ever drink any more is water. And lots of it. Not only does this keep me from ingesting empty calories, but it also keeps my skin and hair really healthy too. And if you think you're 'safe' with diet soda, think again. Aspartame is not good for your body anyway, and it's not going to do anything for body image when you're bloated from carbonation. Try a zero-calorie flavored water if you must (my pick is SoBe Life Energy waters), but literally 'can' the other crap.

3. Try to avoid eating straight carbs.

Most of us are probably not immune from being addicted to carbs. Even the 'good' ones like whole-grain bread and pasta can work against us if we don't keep them in moderation. This is why becoming vegetarian doesn't always mean weight loss and more energy. If you're eating nothing but pasta and PB&J, then you're going to be bloated and deficient in nutrients. Carbs are addictive, and it usually takes a lot of them to really fill you up. Any more, if I'm eating carbohydrates, then I also add a protein and or low-calorie carb (think fruits and veggies again!) to keep me from over-eating and help keep me satiated faster (and longer). If I eat toast or waffles, then I pair it with peanut butter, or yogurt, and fruit. If I have chips, then I include guacamole or salsa. Pretzels or pita bread with hummus and carrots. Popcorn with peanuts or almonds. Etc, etc.

4. Six small meals/snacks works!

I'm sure everyone has heard the concept of eating six small meals a day. I am a firm believer that this a great way to help with overeating, curb cravings and maintain energy. For an example, this is what my 'typical' meal/snack schedule currently looks like:

Breakfast: Waffles with PB and bananas and coffee

Mid-morning: Fruit smoothie, or hummus and carrots, or yogurt with granola

Lunch: Dinner leftovers with green salad

Mid-afternoon: Chips and salsa or guacamole, yogurt with fruit, or almonds and fruit

Dinner: Something yummy and vegetarian (this is usually always my biggest meal) and green salad and fruit

Evening snack: Bowl of cereal with soy milk, toast and fruit, or frozen yogurt with fruit

I do like to try new things and branch out with my eating as much as possible, but most of the time I'm pretty much a creature of habit. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because changing the way you eat should become a habit. I've been eating PB and banana over whole grain as well as a fruit smoothie most mornings for as long as I can remember. But I know I'm getting a great assortment of nutrients, and its a good routine for me. If something isn't broke, don't try to fix it!

5. Cut the crap (to a minimal)

Duh! I'm not going to be one of those people who tells you that I prefer greek yogurt, fruit and toast, over a donut in the morning. All things being equal, I would pick the donut each.and.every.time. But... I'm very aware of the long term gains of one of them (energy and nourishment), and consequences of the other (stomachache and sluggishness), and its really a no-brainer at this point. Most of the time. But because I do like donuts, and cookies, and cake then I do eat them occasionally. And I've worked on being able to discipline myself not to binge when I do eat them (which used to be totally easy for me to do). Now days, the will power has paid off, because I honestly don't think I could eat an entire sleeve of cookies like I used to, if I tried. It would make me sick to my stomach (just like eating anything salty or greasy makes me sick anymore too). Once you start consistently filling your body with good stuff, it knows what it wants, and it rejects the rest.

6. Enjoy your exercise

For me, fitness is about performance. Its not about the numbers on a scale, or the way I look in the mirror. For me, I like to be lean and muscular because it makes me a better runner. And I love being a better runner, because it helps me enjoy running more. I practice yoga because it helps with my stress, anxiety and my energy. I practice Pilates because it makes me really strong. I've learned that when I am active for motivation that is beyond my weight and my appearance, that I enjoy it more and I stick with it easier. And I end up liking my body a whole lot more, not so much for its appearance (although that helps!), but because of what it is capable of doing. Find something you enjoy doing, or do your workouts for a goal beyond shedding those pounds or looking better in a swimsuit, and its going to be easier, and more fun, I promise. My favorite pick: The Couch-to-5K Program. (I also find it so much easier to eat better when I'm exercising for performance, because I know which foods helps me perform well, and which don't, and it makes a difference).

*********************************************************************************************************

So you know, I'm no fitness guru. And I certainly can't speak to what it takes to lose weight beyond 10-15 lbs. of 'baby weight.' But in my own experience as a mother trying to maintain energy to keep up with my kids, or in working to instill healthy eating habits in this house, I've found that the above advice, more than anything else, is probably what helps the most in keeping me fit and feeling fabulous. You can obviously take it, or leave it!

I'm curious as to what other advice other moms or active people also would give? What's your most valuable 'secret' to eating well, staying fit, or maintaining energy?

My Top Ten Must-Have Baby Gear List

2011-05-04T07:31:00.001-07:00

I mentioned previously that I have a lot of women in my life right now who are trying to get pregnant or who are expecting, and so I've been getting a lot of requests for information on natural baby care products, cloth diapering, baby carriers and the like. I guess after you've had three kids, people start looking to you as if you're some sort of 'expert.' I certainly don't feel like an expert about anything parenting, but I do have some opinions on things that I feel are tried and true when it comes to caring for a baby. I could probably go on and on for pages and pages about taking care of babies, but for everyone's sake I've abbreviated this list to my Top Ten 'Must-Haves.'

1. Summer Organic Swaddler: This is at the top of my list for a reason. Its the best thing ever.

I have gotten so much mileage out of the two that I have had with all three of my kids. You will only need one to two, in a size small, since most babies don't enjoy being swaddled usually after 3-4 months. Some other women will tell you that their baby never liked being swaddled, but I have learned that is usually not true. My babies all cried and fussed while trying to fall asleep, and seemingly wanted OUT of the swaddler. But the swaddler actually helped me to keep them calm and from flailing, and I think it is definitely what helped me the most in those first few months.

2. Moby Wrap: Just like the swaddler, this is a great carrier for keeping baby close and swaddled. There's a learning curve to putting it on, and putting baby in it. But once you do, you and your baby will LOVE your Moby. I just tried one with Baby Girl this last time around, and I wish I would've had it for my other two. I just didn't have the confidence to use one. And the first few tries were failures, with her crying and me being frustrated. I didn't give up though, and we finally got it down by try three. From that moment on, I wore it all.the.time. I was actually able to get a little housework, laundry and eating done! Its magical.

3. Bumgenius 4.0 or GroVia cloth diapers: If you're going the cloth diaper route, then these would be my two picks. I've tried a lot of different cloth diapers, and these are my faves as far as absorbency, fit, quality and best value. Both Bumgenius and GroVia are one-size (OS) diapers, meaning they can fit from 6 lbs. to about 35 lbs. (i.e. the entire time your little one is in diapers). I prefer snap closure over velcro because the velcro tends to curl and older babies can learn to get a hold of it and pull it off. All GroVia's have organic cotton, and the Elemental Bumgenius does too. While organic cotton stains more than traditional cotton, I have found that it is incredibly absorbent. The traditional Bumgenius 4.0 are fantastic too though.

4. Dr. Brown's BPA-Free Bottles (wide-neck): Hopefully you'll be able to breastfeed, but bottles will still come in handy if you're wanting to return to work, or just need a break now and then. My favorite bottles have been Dr. Brown's, with their venting system. I recommend wide-neck bottles for babies who are transitioning from breastfeeding (it seems to be easier). The parts of these bottles are a little tedious to wash by hand, but find yourself a good bottle and nipple basket for your dishwasher, and you're good to go. I also recommend registering for just the 8 oz. bottles. You're only going to use the 4 oz. ones for a very limited time, while the 8 oz. bottles can be used the entire first year!

5. BabyLegs: Its really no secret how much I love BabyLegs (probably because my babies are always seen wearing them!). Paired with onesies, these make diaper changes so much easier (no dealing with taking pants off and on), and they're great for protecting baby's knees when they're crawling. BoBo to this day (almost 5 years later!) still has BabyLegs that she wears as leg warmers! Super cute, and a great value.

6. ERGObaby Carrier: I admit to having been a little bit of a baby-carrier junkie, and have owned and tried A LOT of them. After the Moby Wrap, I think this is the only other carrier you really need. Its wonderful. Super comfortable for you to wear, and super, super easy for you to get baby in and out of by yourself. It can be worn as a front-pack, on the hip, or on the back. If you buy the infant head support, then this carrier can last from newborn to about 5 years old! Its more expensive than a Baby Bjorn or Infantino carrier, but much more versatile and longer lasting.

7. InnoBaby Airtight Food Storage: If you're going to be making your own baby food (its easier than you think it, and will definitely save you money!), then I recommend these. They were PERFECT for sticking a frozen cube(s) from the freezer into and letting dethaw in the fridge. They're super fabulous for transporting food, and work especially great if your baby will be attending any kind of childcare or Mom's Day Out program. I've gotten LOADS of use from mine, and absolutely love them. Get signed up on BabySteals.com through email or Facebook, and you can hopefully grab some when they are on sale again!

8. Burt's Bees Baby Wash/Soap: I've tried a lot of different baby washes and soaps, both traditional and all-natural, and Burt's Bees is without a doubt my favorite. First off, I really, really love the smell. But I've also never had any problems with it as far as break-outs or problems with sensitive skin, either. The buttermilk soap is especially great for bathtime once baby is 3 months old (I've never used any sort of wash on my kiddos while they were newborns). I also love the body wash as my cloth wipes solution as well. A very close second on this list is also the Buriti Baby Body Butter by The Body Shop. I buy two tubs of this when its Buy One, Get One Free at TBS, and use it on all three kids. A little goes a long way, and its particularly perfect in the winter for protecting their skin.

9. Grandma El's Diaper Cream: Again, if you're going the cloth diaper route, then this is THE cream that I recommend. Its hard to find a diaper cream that won't stain your diapers, or mess with the absorbency. Its all-natural, and has worked wonders for any diaper rash problems we've had. (Although you're going to find when using cloth, that rash is usually never an issue. If you're having problems, strip your diapers. Its more than likely ammonia build-up thats causing the irritation). Even if you're not cloth diapering though, this is a great cream. More pricey than traditional creams, but it goes a long way and only takes 2-3 applications to really get rid of the rash.

10. Fleurville Sling Tote Diaper Bag: Ohmiga, I have loved my Fleurville Sling Tote. I've had it since my first baby, and it has perfectly met all of my multi-child diaper bag needs. This thing has gone everywhere with me. I handled airplanes, long car trips, day outings to the zoo, Disneyland... with this diaper bag. Plus its super slim and light-weight, and not bulky like most traditional diaper bags. Its got a crazy amount of compartments to keep you organized, and its made from recycled materials. Its not cheap either, but mine has been the only diaper bag I had used for a solid four years (I recently gave it to our babysitter who is expecting her first. My current diaper bag is an Amy Kathryn one I found on sale on Zulily.com).

And finally... What NOT to spend lots of money on!

Clothes: a few new, cute outfits for a baby are fun, but try not to go overboard. You'll be changing them a few times a day, and onesies, Babylegs, sleepers, and cotton pants are the most practical. Once they start crawling especially, then the jeans, skirts, dresses and other clothes are just going to get in the way and impede movement. Not to mention that they grow out of everything in three months. Buy from children's consignment shops and Craigslist if you can.

Headbands, bows, hats or other accessories: Again, a few are fine. But once baby is capable of reaching up and grabbing them, then they won't stay on. I would've loved for my girls to wear little headbands and bows, but it never.happened. Save your money!

Fancy babyfood maker: Take it from me. They sound super great and ultra convenient. But you're going to be able to use the blender or food processor that you already have, and get just as good results. Buy a steamer basket if you don't already have one, and you're good to go.

Fancy Sleep-Sound Machine: Sure, something that plays the sounds of the ocean or a snuggly sheep that mimics mom's heartbeat sounds great, but usually not necessary. Get yourself a small fan to sit on the floor of baby's room. It will help keep the room cool in the summer, and you can point it toward the wall in the winter. Not only will the 'white noise' be just as soothing, but the air circulation is proven to help reduce SIDS.

New ANYTHING, really: The swing, the travel system, the exersaucer... they're all nice, and come in handy when caring for a baby. But, given that most people only use each one for a very limited amount of time (usually less than 6 months!), then its possible to get everything gently used for a fraction of the cost. I can't tell you how much money I have saved over the years by shopping consignment shops and utilizing Craigslist. Obviously, you may have generous relatives and excited grandparents that may want to buy some of this stuff, and so you let them. But if you can get them to 'splurge' on cloth diapers for you, or just give cash... then their buck is going to go a lot further if you can pick up used items (and the rest can go towards baby's college fund!).

"Race" Recap

2011-05-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

I follow a couple of running blogs, and as I runner I always enjoy reading other's race recaps. Having run my first half-marathon this morning, I now completely understand what would be so cathartic about processing a race by writing about it. I probably should really start my own running blog at this point, but I don't need another blog to keep up with. And so I hope my running readers find this some what interesting (if not entertaining!). I apologize to everyone else who could probably give a flip.

The critical information about this race of course was that I was in the midst of healing from a strained ligament. I debated back and forth, back and forth, back and forth about even running it. I knew I was not going to get to 'race' it which I was frustrated about, but I also was wanting to at least use it as one of my training runs, and not have to skip another a week again (given my prior ankle injury that had me off for two weeks). I also knew that this coming week was going to be difficult to get running in because my husband would be out-of-town all week, and so if I could get through the run, then I could work on healing during the week. Not my preference, but I could take the kids to the gym with me for cardio workouts on the bike or rowing machine.

Anyway... I was hoping to be completely pain-free by this morning. That didn't happen. So I decided to head down to the race and run a one-mile warm-up to feel things out. I'd at least get to see everyone this way, and worse case scenario I would sit it out and be a cheerleader (not too shabby actually, since I know some incredible runners!). The mile warm-up went great though. It was slow and slightly painful, but I felt good. I decided to run. I knew that it could end up turning into an absolute disaster, but the desire to at least try was just too great.

The first 8 miles went fantastic. I was running about 10:00-10:30 and if it weren't for my foot, I felt like I could go a lot faster. It was kind of beyond aggravating to feel like I could race, but given the distance I didn't want to push it too much. At mile 7 I sucked down a GU gel, and was really optimistic about finishing between 2:10 and 2:15 if I could pick up my pace for the last few miles. I mean, I can't even describe how awesome I felt. But I was also becoming acutely aware that the pain in my foot was increasing.

Things started to fall apart after mile 8 then. My foot was throbbing, and radiating up my Achilles tendon. I was still running fairly strong, but I was slowing down and hurting. Shortly before mile 9, I had to walk for the first time. I tried stretching my calves to see if that would help. Shortly after starting to walk, I felt like I could run again and so I started off... slower, and hobbling a little. Hit a point where the pain let up a little, and I was running a 10:30 pace again. Looked at my watch, and decided to push it again a little, thinking I could still finish by 2:20. This may have been my downfall.

At about 10.5 miles, I was really hurting. Stopped to walk again. Could barely walk. It was bad. Mentally, I was feeling defeated and getting passed wasn't helping. The thought of making it that far, and then having to limp it in to the finish was humbling. Not to mention that I just wanted to be DONE at this point. Shortly after mile 11 my desire to finish this race with my dignity still intact kicked in. I summoned every last bit of willpower I had, and started to hobble back up to a jog. When people talk about the mental exercise of running, this was it at its finest. Knowing I had the option of taking this entire week off, I decided that I was going to push my body (or really just my foot) to the absolute limit at this point, and rest when I was done.

I don't know what pace I was actually going at this point; it wasn't good for my head to keep checking. It was slow. I knew I wasn't going to even break 2:30 at this point, and that was hard to swallow. But I straightened my back, concentrated on my form, and at least tried to look like I was running strong. Saw my friend Amanda and her family driving home (later found out she had finished almost an hour prior and PR'd!), and it perked my spirits. Felt like I would never get to the finish line, but then there it finally was. I went through, and then slowed to a walk. Which I could barely do. It would've been almost embarassing, if I wasn't just so freaking happy to be done. And then I cried.

I know that there are probably people that think trying to run through an injury like that was just plain stupid. And they're probably right. But even as much as I'm hurting right now, I'm really glad I did it. Like I said, aside from my foot, I felt good during that run, and still now even after. I feel like finishing that race made me a stronger runner. Not so much physically, as mentally. I'm running 26.2 in a month, and I'm feeling really confident about being able to push through just about anything right now. I'll still be anxious as hell on race morning I'm sure, and I have no doubt that those last miles of the marathon are probably going to be painful in their own way. But if I can remind myself that I got through this race, then it was worth it. And I'm never, ever, ever going to try to run through an injury like that again! I feel like I've had my fill of mental toughness training for years now!

This. And That. And Then Some.

2011-04-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

It's a stream-of-consciouness blog post kind of day...

Today has been one of those magical days where I could totally over-idealize what its like to be a stay-at-home mom. I woke up and worked out this morning, took a shower and then slipped back into comfy sweats. Got to drink coffee, make the kids breakfast, and enjoy some computer time this morning. Cleaned the kitchen, did a few loads of laundry, put some stew in the crockpot AND had a fun playdate all before noon. Then had a healthy (and relaxing!) lunch, let the kids play with Playdough at the kitchen table while I paid bills online, and then got everyone down for a nap. My house is semi-clean again, laundry is done and folded now, and I feel 'caught up' with the job of CEO of this household. Like I said, it's been magical.

Everyday is not like this though. When I'm home with my kids everyday, there is usually someone who didn't get enough sleep the night before (usually all of us). There is fighting, and crying, and whining. There are errands to be run, or desperate attempts to get out of the house. There is laundry, cleaning, bills or whatever else, and the kids aren't cooperating while I try to get them done. Days like today are magical only when they are few and far between. I love them more than anything, and it makes me sad to think about giving them up. But I also can't do this everyday, long-term, anymore. Because even if (again, magically) every day were like this, I would still eventually become bored out of my mind. I envy the hell out of mothers who can be totally fulfilled like this. I really, really do. Try as I might, though, I'm just not one of them.

This of course leads up to the question that many people have been asking since my last blog post, and that is whether I've decided what I'm doing this coming year. The answer is, no. I still don't know and everything continues to be up in the air. Which of course is driving me crazy, and stressing me out beyond belief. I don't do well with long, drawn-out decisions. I like to make quick, efficient, and confident decisions. I do my research, weigh the pros and cons, and then move forward. This hemming and hawing, back and forth, waiting-to-see-what-happens BS is for the birds. But, I'm waiting on things that are beyond my control right now, and so that is where it stands. SIGH. I'll keep everyone posted of course the minute I get it all figured out.

In the meantime, I'm determined to make the best of having this time at home with all three again. I'll still be doing private practice one evening a week for awhile, and I still have one class I'm teaching for another two weeks. But by mid-May (if I don't take the perfect job) then I'll have some time to devote to the house and kids for the summer. My big priority right now is helping Baby Girl transition to table foods. I've always made my kids' baby food as much as I could, but I've never been very patient about having to make a separate meal for the baby, three times a day. This is the perfect time to make the transition too, since we're eating a lot of fruits and grilled veggies. I've been cooking her small pastas to work on, and mashing veggie burgers and avocados. I've also been getting some great kid-friendly meal ideas from The Best Homemade Baby Food On The Planet, which I've been pretty impressed with. Very soon I'm hoping to ditch the bottle as well. I'm not one of those sentimental people that wants to allow my children to stay a baby as long as possible, at least when it comes to feeding. Bottles and baby food are just a huge pain in the ass, and I am more than eager to ditch them ASAP. Other projects include the garden, getting BoBo prepared for kindergarten, spring cleaning, and selling baby stuff/clothes. The Punk is officially potty-trained as of this week, and so I get to cross that one off the list (OhMyGod I'm now down to one in diapers! Seriously could not be more elated).

In other news, the marathon training is a roller coaster for me right now. Some days I'll have a really great run, and feel awesome. Other days I'll be sluggish, tired and my joints will be aching. I love running more than anything, but I think I'll be glad to not be on a 'schedule' anymore. Like, if I want to run, I will, and if I don't, then I won't. Not to mention that I'm just struggling to keep weight on right now. I'm eating well, and I feel like I'm eating constantly. But when you're putting in 30 miles a week, then keeping up with those calories is just difficult to do. I mean, sure I could eat junk everyday and keep up very well, I know. But I can't eat junk food everyday. Not because I'm worried about gaining weight or I'm being a food snob, or anything (I love cake and donuts every once in awhile as much as the next person!), but just because I just like how I feel (and how I run) when I eat healthy, and I don't like how I feel (or how I run) when I don't. Plain and simple. Its not an eating disorder (thankyouverymuch), its just what happens when your body and your mind become conditioned to it. But, it does make keeping calories up a little more difficult. So that is that. I consume more peanut butter, pasta, guacamole, and omelettes right now than should be possible. But I am still super psyched about the marathon, and I'm sure that it won't be my last. (And, by the way, no hate mail, please. I realize that 'complaining' about keeping weight on makes people who are having trouble taking weight off want to bitch-slap me right now, but it IS something that I'm struggling with, and I wanted to write about it for possible input. Since it is my blog, and everything).

On a more fun note, my friend Monica commented on her blog recently about getting another tattoo, and I'm totally psyched to do the same after the marathon. My original idea was to do something to commemorate the marathon, as well as include being a mom. And a wife. And, hell, a woman (I happen to think we're pretty amazing), but I came across this design last week, and I'm kind of totally in love with it.

So I'm going to keep playing with it, and will probably talk to Heath at Hell Bomb at some point, but I cannot wait for a new tat. Eeeeeeeee!

Anyway, that's what is going on here, for the most part. I have had a lot of pregnant or new mommies asking my advice lately on gear, products, etc. for babies and so I'm thinking about typing up my 'must-have' list of baby stuff for a blog post soon, and that way everyone can bask in my wisdom (and I won't have to type up something more than once!). Honestly, I of course cannot claim to know everything about raising kids (if you spent one day in this home, you would know this). But after three babies, I do feel like I have something to add to the conversation when it comes to products that are useful, and products that are just a waste of money. And I really like to help new mommies not waste money. So, when that next magical day rolls around when I have time to do said post, then I will. Until then, I think I'm going to bake some bread or read a book or something I ordinarily would never have the time to do. Peace out, lovely mommies!

Same Song, Different Verse

2011-04-12T07:04:00.001-07:00

I don't have any clients scheduled this morning, and I'm incredibly thankful. I'm desperately needing this block of time right now to enjoy some coffee and do some soul-searching. As is consistently prevalent in trials of motherhood, the ever dynamic and fluid boundaries of self-preservation and family harmony are ebbing and flowing again. In an ideal world, one would beget the other, and vice versa. In the real world however, as a mother, I find myself constantly having to navigate and compromise what it means to be true to myself and my needs, and what it means to do what is best for my family. Sometimes they are mutually beneficial, and sometimes they are not.

As many of you know, I've been doing private practice work for about six months now, and have (for the most part) been really enjoying it. I like working, and I really like doing work that I love. We knew that I would only being doing this part-time work for a short while though, and now that Ariel has a full-time spot at the WSU Child Development Center, then I've been putting in more hours and have had to contemplate doing private practice full-time. I can easily say that I don't want to do this. It has served its purpose for the time being, but haggling with insurance companies, doing mounds of paperwork, paying 40% of my earnings in overhead, and dealing with no-shows and crazy parents are the dark underbelly of this work. It is not possible to have fixed childcare costs, and not fixed earnings. I have hopes someday of teaching full-time and having some private practice hours again, but I'm not interested in full-time. At all.

And so now I am once again at an impasse as to where I go at this point. I have the opportunity right now to take a full-time job doing play therapy with sexual assault victims. It would pay very well, and is in a field that I am truly passionate about. I love the people I'd be working with. It would allow me to continue pursuing my clinical licensure, as well as my play therapy certification. In short, it would be PERFECT. Like, exactly what I would need to continue to evolve and progress in my career, as well as bring me a lot of personal fulfillment.

But...

This would be a good 40 hour-a-week job, 8-5 job, without a tremendous amount of flexibility. My husband is currently working a good 60 hours-a-week, and travels quite frequently. I've worked full-time before, and I know just how hard this is (and even then I only had 2 kids, worked 8a-4p, and had a 201-day contract that allowed me quite a bit of time off and flexibility too). Its of course not the actual work that is difficult. I can handle the work. But as any mother can tell you, running a household in itself is a full-time job. I pay the bills around here, and do the grocery shopping. I prepare our meals, clean the house, and do most of the laundry. I am the one who gets everyone ready to get out the door in the morning, and I am the one that handles dinner, bath and bedtime most nights because of my hubby's late hours. For all intensive purposes, I am a single mother 50-75% of the time. And I gladly do this because my husband is doing something that he absolutely loves and is passionate about, and it has allowed me to stay home with all three of them as babies. Plus, honestly, I'm a control freak. Nevertheless, this arrangement would not change if I go back to work full-time right now.

Not to mention all of the other incidentals that returning to work causes. Our eating out tends to creep up because I'm too exhausted and frazzled to worry about dinner. I don't plan my grocery shopping around coupons and sales as well because I just don't have the time. I'm having to take time off work for doctor and dental appointments, or to take the car in for work, or to have work done here at the house. And don't even get me started on having to worry about staying home with sick kids once September rolls in. My needs for professional attire increases my clothing spending (which is virtually nill right now), and even though I may get paid 'well,' childcare would still take out 75% of my paycheck. And I can't ignore the fact that my children would then be in school/childcare well over 8 hours every.day. Or that with Addy in kindergarten this fall, I'll have to figure out childcare arrangments for after school.

So, there you have it. Same story, different verse for many mothers, I know. Is the benefit and gratification that I would get from returning to work worth the cost that it would have on all of us as a family? I know that many working families do it, but I think its usually because they have too. I have the choice, and its excruciating. I'm not meant to be a stay-at-home mom, and I know it takes a toll on me mentally, as well as a hit to my career if I choose to stay home. I don't know that I can rationalize putting all of us through such a back-breaking pace right now, for the sheer benefit of my career. I know that I can continue teaching and do some consulting work and writing to help keep me somewhat 'fresh' for when I do decide to enter the work force full-time again, but I'll definitely take a hit if I decide to postpone for another few years (at the most). It honestly makes me want to throw up, the more I go back and forth with it.

*Heavy sigh* I guess I'll pour myself another cup of coffee and get to work. Hoping the answer magically comes to me in the midst of a heavily caffeinated stupor this morning. Or not.

Just Another Manic Sunday

2011-04-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a very productive day, which makes me happy. Today was also Sunday however, which actually doesn't make me happy. There used to be a time in my life (a long, long, LONG time ago) when Sunday was actually the 'rest' day it was supposed to be. I'm not an overly Christian person by any means, but I did a pretty good job of always honoring the Sabbath. Slept in, coffee and breakfast with the hubby, and an afternoon of napping, the New York Times, and junk food all day. Post-children, Sundays are anything but restful. It seems that the more we add to the family, the more work Sundays are too. Or maybe its also because I'm working on Saturdays, which definitely adds to the problem...

I posted on my FB status this morning that Sunday was the day I try to cram in everything I didn't get done during the week, along with everything I had plans of getting accomplished for the weekend. And that was definitely my mission today. Number one of on the list is always cleaning/laundry. Because I really have to do both everyday if I am ever to have any chance to stay on top of it. But Sundays are currently reserved for general tidying of rooms, cleaning/vacuuming floors, scrubbing toilets, washing at least one set of sheets and a few loads of laundry, and gathering all of the household trash. It seems like so little, but this alone literally takes me hours. Its ridiculous. Not to mention that this is the time of year when my short-haired beagle starts shedding badly, and nothing in my home is safe from massive clumps of dog hair. Lovely. I did open all of the windows in the house and had the ceiling fans going to air it out, and that was wonderful. Stank of Winter, be gone!

We also planted our garden today, which I didn't get to participate as much in as I would've liked to. Love, love, love being outside in this weather and getting in the dirt. I'm pretty excited about having our own produce and herbs from the backyard again. Mike also upgraded our compost pile this weekend to some fancy turning system that he found online, and I have to admit they're pretty cool. I also like that the kids are involved and a part of the process of gardening and composting. Every once in awhile I feel like we might actually be modeling good behavior to our children, and this is one of those times. I think we might be looking at planting a few fruit trees too (apple and peach), which would be awesome.

Menu planning, grocery shopping and meal prep routinely happen on Sundays around here as well, and today was no exception. My grocery shopping is generally always produce heavy, but in the spring/summer it becomes well more than even three-quarters of our groceries. Right now, rice, beans, milk/yogurt and breads are the other items I get at the store... another reason why hitting the Farmer's Market and having our own garden is going to be nice, and will cut our grocery bill down quite a bit. We do a lot of grilling and grazing during the time of year, and so always having fresh produce to munch on is absolutely necessary. If I could figure out how to grow bananas in Kansas, we could probably actually self-sustain during this time of year.

A sore spot for me today (literally) is that Sundays are also typically when I would get up early to squeeze in a long run, and for the second week now this has not happened. I did still get up early to workout, but it is beyond cruel and unusual punishment to wake up at 7am to such perfect running weather, and not be able to get out there. I also have a terrible, terrible pit in my stomach right now that my plans of starting on the treadmill this week are not going to happen. I don't have any ankle pain when I walk, or do the elliptical, but for the last few days I've tried out jogging in place at home to see how it feels, and the answer is unavoidable: Not. good. Its a dull pain, but its definitely there, and I'm afraid a sign that I'm just not healed up enough. Honestly, kill me now.

The best part of a productive Sunday however, now that they are indefinitely a part of my life, is that usually by evening we are ready to kick back, enjoy a good meal, and not do anything for the rest of the night. And could the weather here tonight been any more perfect?! After grilling and playing outside for most of the evening, we piled in for bedtime snack, bath time, and snuggling with stories. Now I have clean toilets, a full fridge and pantry, and a tall glass of wine. Yes, productive Sundays make me happy. (Nevermind that The Punk is sleeping on Little Mermaid sheets tonight because I forgot to throw his in the dryer. Builds character, I'm sure).

Shut the Bleep Up, Already!

2011-04-08T06:09:00.001-07:00

So I don't think it has gotten by anyone that has had any contact me in the last two months (blog readers included) that I am training for a marathon in June. This is my first marathon, and to say that I'm over-the-moon pumped up about it would be an understatement. I mean I literally could come out of my skin, I'm so psyched. What this has translated into, unfortunately or fortunately (whichever way you want to look at it), is that is has become something that I can't.stop.talking.about. I'm so consumed with thinking, eating, breathing and sleeping around my training that I literally don't know how to focus on anything else. How I'm managing to take care of my house and kids, or do any of my jobs, is really beyond me at this point. I can totally see how people could race as a full-time job in itself. Its beyond invigorating and exciting. (Or as my friend Amanda put it, this is what it means to be alive. Perfect).

And it doesn't hurt either that I do have such amazing friends and running buddies that are such an inspiration to me (most of which are also mothers). Take my friend Hannah for instance, who just got done running her first ultramarathon (44 miles) this weekend, and will be running several marathons this summer before a 100-mile ultramarathon in the fall. And did I mention that she has three children under the age of 6? Un-fucking-believable. Gives whole new meaning to Run Like A Mother.

But the biggest reason that this marathon and training means so much to me is the fact that I have had to put my love and passion for running on hold for the last five years. My pregnancies made it absolutely impossible to continue to run throughout them, and getting back into training in between was sporadic at best. But I've had a long journey and love/hate relationship with running, and I always knew I would get back to it. Someday.

I'm not a natural-born runner. There are some people who have natural capabilities to run far or fast or even well. I am not one of those people. I tried running track in middle school, and it was a complete fail. At that point, I HATED running. Hated. it. I wrote and took pictures for the school newspaper in high school, and headed off to college to be a sports photographer (Yes, you read that correctly). My freshman year in college I ventured out athletically and played rugby. No, you aren't seeing things. I played rugby. And I loved it. It was about that time that I realized if I trained and worked hard, I could be really good at something that I certainly wasn't naturally good at. After several knee and tailbone injuries, I gave up rugby and started dating a guy that was a runner. This changed everything. I started trying to run distance. My first 1-2 mile runs were at an 11:30 pace (that could've also been all those Marlboro Reds I smoked in high school and college. I know. I was kind of a tough shit back then. Or at least I thought I was). I built distance, but didn't get much faster. I began learning how to do speedwork, and saw my times improve. And I found that if I kept at it, that I could do it. It wasn't impossible, and it didn't require being naturally talented at it. I had to work harder for sure, but I could do it. And it made me feel spectacular. This is where the love affair began.

The college boyfriend came and went. Several dating relationships and one marriage later, I was still running. I had done many, many a 5K and had started taking on 10K and 10-mile races. A half-marathon and marathon were completely in my sites as something I definitely wanted to accomplish someday. Even during my pregnancies, I always knew that I would eventually get back into it. The wait to do that has been long and painful, really. Totally worth it of course, but painful still. Running is my therapy, and my life blood. It's an addiction that I can completely rationalize. It makes me feel good, boosts my confidence and keeps me sane. At times when I start getting frustrated with myself for not building my speed back up as fast as I would like, or struggling with motivation, I try to go out for a run without my stopwatch or any real route in mind and I just run. Because I can.

If you're a runner, then you totally get all of this. If you're not, then hearing about my training progress ad nauseum probably gets really old. But I write this because I have had so many people say to me that they could never be a runner. And that's just not true. Anyone can be a runner. Truly. I would've never imagined that someone who disliked running as much as I did, or who had so little natural ability, would become the runner I am today. To be facing the reality that I will be running my first (but hopefully not only) marathon in two months is so amazing for me. But what will be even more amazing is all of the other people who will be out there with me. All of the other mothers. All of the other middle school track failures. All of the other couldn't-run-one-mile-without-being-horribly-winded runners. Not to mention the runners who have overcome injury, disability, cancer treatment or heartache to be there. They will all be out there with me and they'll be doing it. And words can not even describe how overwhelmed with joy and pride and awe that makes me feel, even just thinking about it.

So yeah. That's it really. If I talk about this marathon a lot, I have my reasons. And they're all pretty fantastic.

(And with that I just have to leave you with my new favorite guilty pleasure/running blog: Queer Vegan Runner. She's fan-freakin'-tastic. The end.)

Blah-Bittey, Blah, Blah, Blah

2011-04-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

As I type this, there about a dozen other things I really should be doing now. The mountain of laundry that is taking up my entire couch and needs to be put away. The prep work I need to do for my class tomorrow. My kitchen floor that looks like a family of raccoons has lived on it for a week, and is begging to be cleaned. Or even the simple act of going through the mountain of mail that has built-up during the week and needs to be purged. Instead, however, I am kicked back on the couch with a glass of wine, a bag of Hershey's kisses and my laptop.

If you've read any of my recent posts lately, then you know I've been conflicted about the lack of time I've been able to put into this blog lately. When I first started blogging I did it as a way to have an outlet to write. I've always been a writer, and I've always enjoyed it immensely. The birth of what this blog became was the effect of becoming a stay-at-home mom for the third time around, and needing something to keep me from slowing losing my mind. To be honest, I was home again and completely bored. The idea of creating the blog into something with more substance than my poorly constructed sarcasm and stream of consciousness. And I loved it. Really, really loved it.

But as I've already blogged about, flash forward 7 months later and I'm too busy to be able to even post once a week. Those of you who actually know me know I'm so busy because its all I ever talk about (unless of course I'm not talking about training for a marathon). Being busy and running completely consume my life right now. Every once in awhile I get an opportunity to sleep or enjoy playing with my kids, but usually I'm just moving. Constantly. And so writing posts has gone from difficult to keep up with, to completely impossible. Because since I changed the purpose of this blog, since I decided it needed to be about more than just my daily dronings, then I have to actually put, you know... effort into it. Finding articles, creating links, and uploading pictures. What I had loved before was just more work that I didn't need on my plate.

I miss just sitting down and typing out my thoughts. I miss the poorly constructed sarcasm and stream of consciousness. Mostly I miss just sitting and writing and not having to do anything else accept for maybe italicize a few words here, or make a new paragraph there. No articles, or pictures, or links, or anything other than just my own thoughts.

And that's my long, round about way of saying that I have decided that I will keep posting on this blog, but I will be going back to just commenting on my life and my family and my work, and yes occasionally... my hippy, granola, vegetarian, green lifestyle. I will enjoy doing that again, and hopefully (not likely) but hopefully, my readers will enjoy it too. And actually, I'll hopefully also have more time for it. Now, now though... my kitchen needs to be cleaned, my laundry needs to be put away, and my class needs to be attended to. But instead I'll probably finish my wine, ice my ankle, and go to bed. This was about all I had left in me this week. Being so busy and all.

The Dining Room Reveal. Several Months Later.

2011-03-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Remember way back when, when I proclaimed I was making over my dining room and would share the reveal with my readers once it was done? And remember how that hasn't actually happened yet? (And yes, I know you do because I've only been asked about it a catrillion times over the last few months). In all sincerity though, I'm flattered that you all are interested and I apologize that it has taken so long to do a post about. A HUGE reason is that it isn't exactly done. I still have one more curtain panel to sew (seriously... didn't realize what a bitch just hemming a piece of fabric would be. But when its a very large piece of fabric, then it takes awhile). I also have to sew my placemats as well, but given the coozie fiasco of Christmas 2010, that has been put on hold as well. But... most of it is done, and so without further ado... its the dining room reveal.

This is one of the before pictures. I had already bought my Fiesta ware with a gift card at this point, otherwise that hutch would've been bare. The cranberry on the walls was from the previous owners and I wasn't crazy about it. The seat cushions were ones I had at the old home, and didn't match. The room was honestly just a big catch all/storage space for about 3 years prior to my working on it. So not really a redo so much as a first do.

Another shot of the before product...

And now the finished product...

The most exciting piece for me was changing the light fixture, actually. I didn't get a pic of the one we had, but notice you can't even see it in the before shots. It was just a small dome light that did nothing for the room... including actually lighting it. Found this beauty on Craigslist for $50 and I love, love, LOVE it. It adds so much character to the room.

The artwork that inspired and started it all. Aren't they perfect? I pulled the color for the walls from these prints, and I think it turned out really warm and cozy, yet still bright and colorful. Mucho pleased. Also used the Olympic Zero VOC paint from Lowe's again.

The star 'garland' and recycled magazine 'ornaments' I got for super cheap after the holidays when EcoMom had a sale. I had thought I would just use it for holiday decor, but I ended up liking it so much that I put it up as a permanent fixture with the room.

The bright colored Fiesta ware now doesn't look so out-of-place!

One of the curtain panels done, and a few of the pillows I sewed. I also picked up some storage bins when they were on sale at Target so I could continue to still have some storage space in the room.

Remember this old print that I got from Goodwill? Planning on having my sister (who is an artist) paint a canvas for me and then reuse the frame for her print, but this works for now. The plant and stand were on our front porch, and I never really liked them there. They go great in here!

I also had some other framed artwork from Goodwill that I wanted to reuse the frames for. Had the kiddos do some fingerpainting for me in primary colors, and voila! Instant artwork for the space! I won't comment on the birds and their ginormous cage. They are my husbands, and while I don't hate them, I am totally over their molting and, ahem... crapping. I already have a family and a dog to clean up after; I really could do without the birds. They do go with the color in the room though...

Another view of the room from the kitchen entrance. The colored glass vases were from Goodwill. Again. I washed them up a little, and then found some small pillar candles at World Market with a 10% off coupon. I think they add another fun, colorful touch.

And that's it. Not really anything phenomenal really, but it didn't cost me any more than $100 total, and it made such a drastic difference (the black and white print that is also hanging in the room, as well as another plant in the corner were already in the room before). I didn't get a shot of them, but I also found some great brushed copper light switch and outlet plates at Lowe's for $2.97 a piece, and they also add a really cool touch. I'm hoping to brighten up the table by getting those placemats done (soon-ish), as well as that foreboding curtain panel. Probably not until the semester is over, and I complete my marathon in June. Then maybe I'll stand a chance at finding time for them.

Time Management? Don't Be Silly!

2011-03-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once" - Albert Einstein

I think about time management a lot, but I've been thinking about it in particular this week for a number of reasons. One is that I've had a horrible last few weeks at managing my time well. Like, EPIC fail. Another is because my friend Heather commented a few weeks ago that I should write a post about it, and I was like, 'Really? I haven't already?' Because as a chronic organizer, trying to find balance and manage time is at the absolute core of what I do EVERY. DAY. I guess I haven't addressed it yet mostly because Monica does such a good job of covering what a clusterf@#k the ups and downs of finding balance in life can be. (And don't tell me that you're not just giddy about being linked to in a blog post, Mon. You know you are).

Of course the whole notion of trying to manage time is really pretty laughable because let's face it... its an absolute DELUSION. I am time's bitch--we all are--and any feeble attempts that I make to try to 'manage' it are usually met with contempt and laughter (usually in the form of toddlers throwing huge hissy fits or babies having diaper blowouts as we're trying to walk out the door ON TIME in the morning). Because that is the thing... if you have children, then time REALLY likes to mess with your head. Taking care of children, however many you have, is a relentless, balls-to-the-wall, pride swallowing siege of which time has no rules or boundaries for. Anything and everything you try to plan time for can completely blow up in your face if your children don't cooperate. And they never will. Because they're children, and non-cooperation is supposedly a part of their development, or some crap like that.

But I'm used to working around my kids in terms of schedules and plans, and trying to balance my life, etc. The only weapon I have in this effort is to just be extremely organized. Bags are packed and clothes are laid out every night in anticipation of the battle royale of getting out the door every morning. Coats, shoes, hats NEVER get taken off or put away anywhere other than their spot in the kitchen. I always make sure my diaper bag is stocked and ready to go at a moment's notice. I am planning for heading out the door a good hour to half-hour before we have to actually go. Any time I even so much as stray for one moment from keeping on top of everything, I am bound to be met with problems. It's exhausting, and yet it ends up saving me from some grief (occasionally) in the long run.

What I have really been struggling with lately though is managing the time that I now find I have away from my children. The time I am working from home with. The time that I am NOT running around like a crazy person trying to keep on top of everyone's needs. This is proving to be really tricky for me because this time-- the no children time-- is at a premium around here, and O.M.G there is so much that I want to do with it. Ordinarily, if I were in an office then the use of that time would be a no-brainer. I would have to actually do work with it. But since I'm my own boss, and I work from home (and then see clients or teach class some evenings and weekends), then I have a little more discretion with how I use my child-free time.

And of course I do actually do my work with that time; I'm not that much of a slacker. But since I'm at home, then I also am able to get long overdue laundry and housework done with that time. Or I can fit in a workout with that time. Or I can blog with that time. Or I can run a gazillion different errands with that time. ALL CHILD-FREE. And so my days that I have childcare for all three kids become a schizophrenic composition of just how much I can possibly try to fit in to my day. And generally I am bouncing around between domestic duties and my actual work duties. Obviously, it seems to make sense to just carve out a period of time that I am in my 'office' (albeit home office) and keep that time sacred for only actual work stuff. But the problem with this is of course that it is terribly inefficient. There are some days that I can use all of that time (and then some) for work stuff, and other days that I just can't. I mean, even when I was working full-time in an office, its not like I wouldn't balance my checkbook, make phone calls for appointments, or create my grocery list during 'down' times at the office. Now at home its just all to easy to also throw a few loads of laundry in, prep a casserole for dinner, get my grocery shopping done, get the oil changed in the car, visit the dentist, and pretty much all of the other things that I would've had to take time off for work now too.

I am not complaining about this. Really. I fully realize how lucky I am to have the schedule I have. (I also am paying an arm and a leg for said childcare, and so everything has its price). But it also means that my work life and my home life are constantly enmeshed. There's never a clear-cut separation usually, and so I have to really work at managing my time to keep it balanced, at least. I'm scheduling appointments and making phone calls with clients while I'm getting everyone ready for school, and then sneaking in a workout and writing a blog post after finishing some billing work in the afternoon. Then I'm teaching in the classroom or seeing clients that night, and coming home to loading the dishwasher and putting everyone to bed.

So, you know, its just a struggle with the proverbial work/home life balance that any working mom has, except for with a twist. And I just feel like time continues to work against me in this situation, no matter how much I try to organize, schedule, or manage it. I'm getting better at doing a few things that make it easier: Getting up earlier to get in my running workouts, restricting my Facebook time (for reals!), and trying to keep domestic duties truly relegated to days when I don't have childcare, and vice versa (this means sucking it up to run errands and go grocery shopping WITH the kids --sigh--, but also not answering emails or phone calls for work on those days either). Its not perfect, I still run into challenges, and diaper explosions and toddler meltdowns continually interfere with any real balance to the chaos. But truly recognizing that I have no power over time, and that I can only do my best with what I have is what keeps my head afloat. You start getting too cocky and over-confident with time, and please believe you are gonna get bitch-slapped, and its is going to HURT.

WFD Wednesday: A Different Kind of Recipe(s)

2011-02-23T05:40:00.001-08:00

So, I know today is What's For Dinner Wednesday, but I'm not going to lie... after dealing with a week of illness here on the homestead, I've been highly unmotivated to cook lately. The whole thing has kind of sucked a lot of culinary creativity out of me. We've been doing a lot of what the hubby likes to call, 'foraging.' Its a great way to clean out what we already have in our fridge and pantry, and has meant that I haven't had to think too hard about our meals lately. Tofu scrambles, PB & J sandwiches, yogurt, fruit, hummus... we've all been kind of grazing as our poor stomachs heal from the onslaught of last week. I'm actually set to make up my meal plan, and grocery list for this coming week to start resuming back to 'normal' life. (I'm hoping to feel inspired by my new cookbook from The Stiletto Chef, Candice Kumai).

This week I thought I might share some different kind of recipes; cleaning 'recipes'. Because here's the thing: I am kind of a cleaning product junkie. Even though I've made the transition to more eco-friendly alternatives from the usual arsenal of toxic and chemical-laden products, I still have had quite the stash. Granite cleaner, wood polish, toilet cleaner, bathroom cleaner, all-purpose cleaner, and wood floor solution, to name a few (Darn you Method for making such great and wonderful smelling products!). It may be better for the environment, but it certainly isn't all that easier on my pocketbook. I knew that vinegar and baking soda could be cheaper options, but I couldn't get past the idea of wanting my home to smell good after being cleaned. With three kids and a dog, it can get pretty stank around here, but I didn't necessarily want to replace the smell of wet dog, sour milk, and poo with what I imagine the inside of a pickling factory smells like. After doing some research, I've slowly begun replacing my commercial cleaning products with just a few standard DIY combos that I've come to LOVE. First off... what you'll need:

baking soda
Borax
white vinegar
a few good essential oils (lemon and pine are great for wood, and tea tree is a natural antibacterial. Options like lavender and eucalyptus smell wonderful)
washing soda
hydrogen peroxide
liquid soap (optional-- my pick is Dr. Bronners. Its super concentrated and can go a long way. If you're using a liquid soap with essential oils, you obviously don't need to add them)

All Purpose Cleaner

1 c. white vinegar, 1 gallon hot water, 1 T to 1/4 c. liquid soap (optional), 1 -2 T. pine or lemon oil (for wood surfaces)

1/2 c. borax and 1 gallon hot water (for any non-wood surfaces)

Glass Cleaner

1/2 c. white vinegar or 1 T. lemon juice, 2 c. water, 3-4 drops liquid soap (optional)

(use old newspapers to wipe with for the best shine!)

Bathroom Cleaner (including toilets)

1 c. baking soda or borax, warm water, 2-3 drops liquid soap

Other great tips I've picked up:

To clean grout, make a paste with baking soda and white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide. Let stand 30 minutes, then scrub.
Use baking soda, washing soda or salt to help with gunk and funk that has been encrusted on. Wipe down with warm water, and then sprinkle with the soda or salt. Let sit for a few minutes then scrub.
To unclog a drain, use a plumber's snake or untwisted coat hanger to pull out as much gunk as possible. Pour 1/2 c. baking or washing soda down the drain, and gradually add 1/2 c. white vinegar. Let fizz and dissolve. Carefully pour in boiling water from a tea kettle. Wait a half-hour and repeat if necessary.
Instead of using clorox or harsh antibacterials to guard against germs, just wipe down with hydrogen peroxide or vinegar. Add a few drops of tea tree oil to any cleaner to help boost natural antibacterial action.
Use baking soda or cornstarch on floor stains when they occur. Leave for 10-15 minutes, and then spray with club soda and vacuum or blot.
Add a few drops of your favorite essential oil to some baking or washing soda and sprinkle on carpet. Let sit for 15-2o minutes and then vacuum up.

If you keep all the 'ingredients' in your cleaning closet, or close at hand, then they're very easy to mix up as you go. And I still keep around my favorite Method product: Smarty Dish Detergent. It is great on cleaning dishes, and it doesn't make our water bottles, sippy cups and mugs taste like citrus-flavored soap. Happy (Spring?) Cleaning everyone!

My New DIY Cleaning Arsenal (and all of it I already had around the house!)

That's Just Messed Up

2011-02-20T19:27:00.001-08:00

So, I got some feedback yesterday from my post... some public, and some private. I definitely appreciated all of it. And I really probably should've addressed somewhere in that post that I am fully aware that there is a lot of humor behind the comments people say to me, or post, and I really don't think that every single person who has ever said, 'You make me feel like such a slacker' is crying in their pillow about it at night. (Actually, I hope no one does that. Really).

As I thought about it more last night though, I realized that it is also something that I may just be overly sensitive too because... grand epiphany here... I've had stuff like this happen my entire life. It occurred to me that this wasn't actually about the blog at all, but about my dysfunctional and backwards reaction to being singled out for being different (even if it was a good different). In middle school and high school it was when I got teased for being smart. In college it was when I got teased for being so thin. In my early 20s it was for being thin and having a group of good guy friends that I hung out with. And now as a mother, its for well... being 'teased' for being the only mom I know how to be (and let's face it... still being thin). ANY time I have felt that other women have been intimidated by me in any way, usually because of offhand comments and joking remarks, then my instant reaction is to somehow either trivialize or diminish that part of myself. Instead of really being proud of who I was, I have always gone out of my way to prove that there was really nothing very special about me at all. Like, practically begging people to focus on all my faults and weaknesses so that they could be totally comfortable in hanging out with me and my mediocrity.

The comments about this blog were just my perception once again of being viewed as intimidating or superior to other women, and desperately wanting to fall into rank as nothing more than your average, run-of-the mill mother and wife. See? I'm just like you. You can like me. REALLY. It's so painfully pathetic and sad as I type it, and yet it is also the honest-to-God truth. But after a lifetime of trying (and many times failing) to form female friendships, this is what I have learned. If I have ever come off as threatening in any way, I was either blatantly shunned, OR engaged in as a friend, only to find out everyone was talking about me behind my back. This has certainly gotten better as I've gotten older, but I don't know that it has completely subsided. And its certainly not an issue ONLY for me. As I've thought about it, I think a lot of women I know downplay things about themselves when they sense that other women are threatened by it. I could go into an entire dissertation paper as to why this phenomena happens, but the short version is that women have been systematically taught to 'police' each other because that is what happens when you're a mysogynistic and patriarchal society for hundreds of years. Period.

So... after thinking about and acknowledging this behavioral pattern, I clearly don't want to continue to play down who I am in order to appease (or what I think is appeasing to) other people anymore (as well as just learn how to take a freakin' compliment without feeling paranoid!). I don't know that its just that easy (I'm a therapist... I know that its one thing to have a grand epiphany. Its quite another to really change something about yourself). But if nothing else, as I mother I certainly don't want to teach my children the art of diminishing who you are to make it easier for other people to accept you. And its not like I'm saying that this is an issue because I am more special than any other women out there (believe me, I have a lot of friends who are pretty fucking special mothers and women! I'm not even being sarcastic there... notice I didn't put the special in quotes). I have my strengths and I have my faults... as we all do. But as I said yesterday, I am who I am-- the good, the bad, and the ugly-- and I need to learn to stop falling all over myself in an attempt to apologize for that (especially when no one is actually asking me to). Seriously!

Whew! I think I've officially spent more than enough time thinking about and addressing the issue. This blog will continue to be about my successes (and my failures) at parenting, going green and organic, and trying to save money. As well as anything else my readers are interested in hearing about. And every once in awhile I'll throw in an emotional freak-out (or two) into the mix... just to keep it real, you know. The end.

(P.S. Thanks all of you for allowing me to verbally vomit all of this out these last two days, as well as continue to love me and read this blog despite my crazy rants and overuse of the words 'totally' and 'seriously.' )

To Blog, or Not To Blog...That IS The Question

2011-02-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

I've been having a little bit of transcendental angst about this blog lately. Actually, not really. Just a small touch of blogger's ambivalence. The reason I originally started this blog (even before it became this blog), is that I love to write and a blog seemed like a great way to do just that, and blow off some steam. When I made the decision to make my blog a green living and parenting resource for other moms (and less just the daily drivel from my life) then I really got excited about pouring some work and writing prowess into it. At the time however, I was also home full-time with the kids and had more time to do such pouring.

Fast-forward to now, and I'm not sure life could be much busier. I'm working several different part-time jobs, raising three children and have my hands in only about five different hobbies. I've been enjoying having more free time to run, practice yoga, work on my vegan baking skills, finish some sewing projects and actually read an entire book. (By the way, all of this does not make me superwoman. See following rant below). While I do continue to love to write, I'm afraid that blogging has become more of a chore that I feel like I have to keep up on, and less of something that I do out of enjoyment. Ummm... that sucks!

Not to mention another issue that has made me sort of uneasy over the last few months. I get a lot of compliments on this blog (which I appreciate), and definitely some great feedback on how some of what I write helps. More and more I seem to also get feedback along these lines: 'You're blog makes me feel like such a slacker!' or 'You're such a perfect mom... I could never do what you do!' or 'I only wish I could be the mom that you are.' Despite the startling discovery that there are more delusional women out there than I previously thought there were, these sort of statements also make me incredibly uncomfortable. My hopes for creating this blog were to give information and support... without making anyone feel bad. The fact that there seems to be a fairly large group that reads my blog and then berates themselves for their failings as a mother/wife/human being just kind of puts a sick pit in my stomach. Eeeeeeewwwww! My intent has never been to say, 'See all of the wonderful things I do and if you can't/don't do these things you are somehow failing yourself and your children. And God and the planet too.' It really was supposed to be more like, 'See... if this spaz can be healthy, go green and still maintain (some) sanity while raising a family, then really how hard can it be?'

I'm not sure where the breakdown has occurred, and I fully realize that there are some people out there who are going to feel bad about themselves regardless of what I write or don't write. I certainly don't want to be in charge of everyone else's happiness, thank you very much. And the fact of the matter is that I'm a freak-of-nature who pushes myself relentlessly because that is how I roll. This does not make me perfect. It makes me me. But... it has given me cause to try to decide in which direction I really want to take this blog, and what is going to be most helpful to my readers as well as enjoyable for me. Haven't quite figured that piece out yet, but I'm currently brainstorming some new ideas for future posts that I hope are relevant, and you know... don't make anyone want to go jump off a bridge.

Until then, I've been taking a little time off as the fam and I recover from The Plague, and hope to come back feeling less blogged down (ha, ha... get it? Blog-ged down. Seriously, who can feel bad about themselves with all of my self-deprecation and horrific puns?). I would love to get any feedback on any issues/topics that anyone would really like to see me cover. Hopefully I can pull myself out of this funk a little, and learn to love my blog again. Right now, it's kind of like draft beer or jazz music for me... I could take it or leave it.

Eat Cleaner, Get Leaner

2011-02-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

I hosted a giveaway a few months ago from Eat Cleaner, and have been working my Wash and Dryer kit to death in the mean time. I'm also a big fan of the biodegradable Grab-N-Go wipes, and have used them extensively while eating out to wipe down fresh fruit and produce when need be, but to also wipe high chairs, tabletops, and grocery carts as well (I once read a magazine article about fecal matter being a major problem on cart handles, and I've totally been skeeved out ever since). Plus I just love how much fresher our produce stays here around the house when I wash everything down first.

Eat Cleaner has launched a new challenge for individuals and families to become Fit Foodies for Life. This isn't a diet... it's a way to work at entirely changing the way that you eat, with some great foundational steps, and a lot of support along the way. The message is 'Eat Cleaner, Get Leaner.' Here are the ground rules to the challenge:

Fruit and veggies own half the plate (at least, in my opinion!)
Limit oil and steer clear of saturated and trans fats (this is easy to do if you read your labels, and replace 'bad' fats-- fried foods, hyrdogenated oils, animal fats-- with the 'good' variety found in nuts, avocados, and 'healthy' oils, like olive and grapeseed.
Avoid processed and refined food and snack (i.e. the fresher, the better! Look for unassuming culprits as well, such as frozen meals that can be laden in sodium)
Choose pesticide and antibiotic free options (think organic and free-range)
Drink 8 glasses of water a day (your skin and hair will feel better too!)

Think you're up for the challenge? In theory, this is all stuff that definitely makes sense to do. In practice though, it can be a lot harder. Take 'baby steps' if you need to; once you start developing a taste for fresh produce over processed and sugar/sodium packed carbs, your body is going to thank you (and generally your pocket book too. While organic produce and milk is more expensive, you'll save money by not buying so much packaged food!). Check out the link to taking the Fit February Challenge, and print off the refrigerator certificate that can serve as a reminder for your goals.

Join Eat Cleaner's Clean Plate Club to continue to get advice and support (as well as 25% off your first order) and follow Eat Cleaner's blog for family-friendly recipes, health savvy articles, and tips on eating cleaner and leaner. Good luck!

Valentines, Schmalentines

2011-02-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me is already pretty aware that when it comes to Valentine's Day, I'm a certified Scrooge. Holidays in general have a way of thoroughly irritating me when I see commercialization and consumerism at their revolting finest. The message is always the same: Buy [insert any number of products here] for your significant other/children/brother/2nd cousin once-removed, and THEN they'll know that you truly love them. I mean the whole idea of giving material possessions as a way to prove you love someone, is just inherently wrong to me. As is the idea that we have one day out of the entire year that we're going to celebrate love. Really?

I know there are some hopeless romantics out there that really get into Valentine's Day. It makes them happy to celebrate, and for many families (as with other holidays), there are some traditions involved. I get that. This holiday however is one that I refuse to play the game. And don't get me wrong. I helped my kids make Valentines and treats for their school parties, and even went so far as to say 'Happy Valentines Day' this morning when everyone woke up. That will probably be the extent of our celebrating, however... at least in the conventional way. Valentines Day for me just symbolizes waste, and superficiality, and... did I mention waste?

Maybe its the fact that many of the flowers that people are giving or receiving this year come from violent and abusive labor practices. Maybe its because I've worked with women in domestic violence situations for too long, and am all too aware that flowers and chocolates are usually what they get after they've been beat up on. Or maybe its just because I don't really want to promote yet another day in which my children feel entitled to GET something, instead of learning to give instead.

I instead observe the infamous V-Day in a different way. Eve Ensler's V-Day campaign and non-profit was started in 1998 on Valentine's Day, and continues to do amazing and remarkable work worldwide to help stop violence against women and girls. For three months then (February, March and April), Eve allows groups across the world the ability to produce and perform her amazing and award-winning show, 'The Vagina Monologues,' as a way to raise money for such efforts. And even though a group here in Wichita isn't holding an event this year (much to my dismay!), I still participate by providing my annual donation to the Wichita Area Sexual Assault Center on this day. You can find out more information about events that are being held where you live here, or donate to the V-Day campaign directly here.

I don't mean to sound superior or self-righteous about any of this; I hope that if you enjoy celebrating Valentine's Day then you enjoy today thoroughly. I just encourage everyone to think about ways that they can celebrate without spending money, wasting paper on cards or gift wrap, or supporting business practices that are the antithesis of love and generosity. The Case Foundation has created this awesome list of different ways that people can be charitable on Valentine's Day, and there is of course the one activity on V-Day that doesn't cost anything and can connect us to our significant other better than any roses or a new iPad can (bomp chicka wow-wow).

The kids and I are now going to raid closets and bedrooms for a (desperately needed) Goodwill run this afternoon and my newly instated Valentine's Day tradition. Happy V- Day everyone!

WFD Wednesday: African Peanut Soup

2011-02-09T04:44:00.000-08:00

I know, I know... I haven't posted in awhile again. I have a few posts in the works actually, but nothing I've found time to finish up yet. If anything, I'm consistent though, and so you can usually always count on me at least posting a recipe for What's For Dinner Wednesday. It's a snow day here again, and so this one I actually will be prepping for the crockpot myself in awhile. (And since I don't have a picture of the actual soup, then you get the pic I clicked from my back door this morning at 7:15am. Yes, the snow is still falling here...).

My mom sent me this recipe several years ago, and I'm honestly not sure where she originally got it from. Its one of my absolute all-time favorites. The combination of ingredients may make you cock your head a bit, but I promise... it's so delicious and filling. Serve with some homemade bread (I'm trying my hand at a honey wheat today) and you've got a full meal. I'm going to give the recipe exactly as it was originally sent to me (for my non-vegetarian friends), and then add my notes on how I veggify it.

African (Chicken) Peanut Soup

32 oz. container chicken broth (I use veggie broth, or vegetarian 'chick'n' broth)

1 (15 oz) can black beans (I've been known to add two!)

2 (15 oz) cans Chicken and Wild Rice Soup (I usually add 2 of Amy's Fire-Roasted Southwestern Veggie soup and some cooked wild rice)

1 c. salsa

1 tsp. cumin

1-2 c. peeled and cubed sweet potato (1 -2 medium size)

1/2 c. chopped onion

1 red bell pepper, diced

2-4 cloves garlic, minced

2 c. chopped chicken breast (my mom usually uses the breast of a deli roasted chicken; I of course don't add chicken)

1/3 c. crunchy peanut butter (must be crunchy!)

Combine the broth, soup, black beans (and wild rice, if using), salsa and cumin in the crockpot and set on low. Saute in olive (or grapeseed) oil the onion, sweet potato, red bell and garlic for about 5 minutes. Add the sauted veggies (and chicken, if using) to the crockpot and let simmer for 6-8 hours (let the sweet potatoes get nice and soft). About a half hour before serving, stir in the crunchy peanut butter, and let it melt and incorporate with the soup. Ready to serve!

Note: You could always add vegetarian chick'n to this as well if you wanted, but I've found that the black beans, sweet potatoes and peanut butter make it plenty hearty without having to add any meat substitute.

Have you entered to win the Keeki Pure and Simple Giveaway yet?!? All-natural, non-toxic and gluten-free nail polishes and lip balms are perfect for both momma and the kiddos. Giveaway ends tomorrow at midnight, so be sure to get entered!