So, I'm going to preface this with the forewarning that I'm sort of grouchy this morning. Like, really fucking grouchy. Which is really just code for, I'm going to be cussing a whole, awful lot. Even with my morning run out of the way, I'm in a major funk (have been for awhile), and it's sort of coming to a head today. Since running this week hasn't helped me get through it, then I'm hoping writing will. Fingers crossed.
It's no secret that I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I think everyone does. On one hand, gee it sure is nice to keep up with people, and socialize, and have this fun medium for being able to offer support, and friendship in ways that we have never been able to before. I truly do enjoy seeing what my friends are up to, especially those that live far away, and to be able to carry on conversations based on what they're latest status or pictures are. I've watched my college bestie Erin, who's in Australia, go through this awesome journey of becoming vegetarian and losing lots of weight recently. She posts beautiful pictures of hikes and races she's doing, and it truly makes my heart happy to be able to support her. She just posted a picture a few weeks ago on her birthday, and she's always been gorgeous. But she looked so happy, and glowing, and stunning... I nearly cried. Just so, so, proud of her. Or there's the former babysitter of ours that is now married and a mother herself (and please believe, that totally makes me feel OLD), who I get to watch and support as she goes through the growing pains of new motherhood. Feels like watching one of my own kids, truly, and it's super fun to be there as someone she knows she can reach out to when she needs advice. And it's that way with all the friends, and all the co-workers, and all the former high school classmates who post about their kids, or running, or life, or other accomplishments. I like being able to be a part of that. I like being able to applaud everyone on. I think in this world of where humans can be crueler than cruel to each other sometimes, it's great that there is a place that hopefully people can feel supported, and even loved, in ways that they may never have gotten before.
That all being said. There is A LOT that I fucking hate about Facebook. I mean HATE. I'm so tired of the fakeness. I'm so tired of people posting things not because they truly care, but because everything on Facebook is so visible. And so if you post a comment, or to someone's wall, or post and tag a pic, everyone and their fucking dog that somehow revolves around your universe in some way is going to see it. And so shit is being said, or posted, or commented or what-the-fuck-ever, not because its genuine in any way, shape, or form. But because everyone else will see it. Facebook for some people is not about friendship or sharing... it's about keeping up an image. About putting out there an online 'self' that is no where near what your actual self is, but what you want people to think about you. And FB makes that so, so, so super easy to do because we're all connected, almost all the time.
I'm not saying that everyone who posts anything on Facebook isn't being genuine. Far from it. I'd like to think that most of what I post... on my own wall, or to other people... is because of actual caring. But I feel pretty confident in saying that my friends don't need Facebook to know that I love them and care about them. I can be thoughtful, and supportive, and available to my friends, without having to make sure the rest of the world sees it. And vice versa. FB definitely makes it more convenient to stay connected and reach out, no doubt. (Again because of the everyone being on, all of the time thing). But day in, and day out, there are things that I know not to be true in real life, that gets posted or said on FB that is clearly for the visibility factor, and I'm over it. I'm fucking over the syrupy sweet posts and comments, after hearing people shit-talk each other in other venues, and behind each other's backs. I'm fucking over the staged pictures, and the warm fuzzies, and the goddamn hearts everywhere. Why? Because my pictures, and my warm fuzzies, and my hearts are genuine. I'm genuinely proud of my friends and kids. I'm genuinely supportive of other people. And I genuinely feel those warm fuzzy, rainbow, fucking hearts when people who are special to me are happy. And so the ones that are put out there just to make a big, goddamn show of things piss me off, because they bastardize and devalue my genuineness.
This year has been a rough one for me. It's made me really have to dig deep, and figure out what my priorities are, and what my true values are. One of the biggest lessons I've pulled from this year is the value of honesty. Of being real with people, and being genuine. Of understanding and recognizing who my real friends are, and who the people in my life are that just want something from me because of their own selfish needs. Who I can count on, and who I can't trust any further than I can throw them. As I make this transition into a new year, it really is symbolic for me this year more than ever of creating a fresh start... a new beginning. I only have one resolution this year. It's not about money, or organizing, or fitness. It's not about adding something, or giving anything up. It's just about me. About me being genuine and honest with myself, and with others. About cutting out all the image bullshit, all of the worrying about what other people will think, and just being present. About only spending time on the people and things that are worth it, and worrying less and less about the people and things who are not. And about letting the people I care about know that I care about them without needing to make a show of it.
This of course, means a lot of different things, but it definitely, definitely means pulling away from Facebook more and more. I still want to see what everyone is up to. I love the new baby pictures, and the race pictures, and the life-in-general pictures too much to completely give it up. I love hearing about other people's kids, and accomplishments. It truly does me good to see all those things. But Facebook, unfortunately, like so many things that humans create, is fucked up. It just is. We humans are capable of some of the most beautiful things, and some of the most hideous. Facebook is an example of all that glitters is not gold. But even more, it is an example of human nature and how so many people are only capable of being thoughtful, caring, loving and 'selfless' when they have an audience to watch them do so. And I've just decided I'm not interested in participating in the unhealthiness and toxicity of it anymore.