It's been awhile again since I've had any time... or mental clarity... to be able to write. (Okay, let's be real... I have proven time and time again that I don't need mental clarity to attempt to write). But I do find myself with some quiet time this morning. My kids are with their dad, I've already knocked out a (very) brisk morning run. I'll need to run a few errands and pay bills online at some point, but right now I am cuddled on the couch with my Chloe and coffee, and pretty much don't want to move. So, I won't.
I've been thinking a lot about honesty in relationships lately. And not only in my relationships with other people, but in my relationship with myself. As I'm processing what 'went wrong' in my marriage, one of the big themes that keeps erupting time and time again was that I wasn't being honest with my husband, or myself, about my unhappiness and the source of my unhappiness. And that was more toxic and more unhealthy than almost anything else that was going on.
And so as I've been thinking about it, of course, it comes down to the fact that sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it's difficult, and it's messy, and it's ugly. And so many times it's just easier, or at least seems easier, to mask the truth instead of meet it head on. I end up not trusting my own gut about things, and I end up not addressing the truth with friends or loved ones because it's scary. Sometimes really effin' might-end-your-marriage scary.
Part of the problem is that we as humans just aren't great about dealing with the truth. When it does hurt, or is scary, or is ugly, we tend to put up our defenses that keep us from feeling the hurt, and do or say things to try to distract or block it. We do this in our responses to others who confront us with the truth, and we do this to ourselves when confronted with the truth. And so this ugly cycle begins of expecting others to act defensively about the truth, or acting defensively ourselves about it. This just then is what keeps things bottled up and unsaid, and in the end far more toxic than actually dealing with that truth.
This isn't rocket science, of course. It's no secret that some of the most healthy and fulfilling relationships are those that embrace honesty. That make it safe for the truth to be exposed without judgement or defensiveness. That allow for open communication, and confrontation to happen in a productive manner. I just am not sure how I have gotten so off track with trusting myself, and in turn being strong enough to trust others with the truth. I think back about how I stayed in a four-year relationship with someone who constantly cheated on me, and never trusted myself enough to not put up with that. Or how I refused to confront that issue with my boyfriend. I'm not sure why I allowed eight years to go by in my marriage and failed to have any truly honest discussions because of fear of hurting my spouse. Or how I never was even truly honest with myself about what was going on. I think about all of the times that I was too scared to face the truth, and how what it really meant was that I didn't have enough respect and confidence in myself to not accept anything less than the absolute truth.
As I'm healing now, and working through the whole gut-wrenching, raw, and painful process of divorce, one of the things that I'm working on is trust. With myself, and with others. Easier said than done. But as I experience friendships with people that allow me to assert myself and talk about the truth, no matter how difficult, then I make progress more than any kind of therapy could do. And I'm so thankful that I have those people in my life that want to see me healthy and happy, and are patient enough to go through this process with me. In the midst of all the hurt, and heartache, and ickiness, I'm feeling incredibly blessed and content with the best friendships that a girl could ask for. And that's the truth.