Wow. It's almost surreal to be posting again. It's been a long time! But today has been the first day in a long time that I have felt like posting. Yoga has that affect on me. Feels good.
Most of my friends and readers are fully aware at this point that a big reason why I have not posted in so long is because I am currently going through a divorce right now. And boy does it suck. Definitely, hands down, the hardest thing I have faced in my life thus far. But you know, divorce is the process of ending more than a relationship. So much more. And no shit that ain't easy.
It came to my attention this week that there is actually public chatterings of women who are almost effin' giddy about the fact that I'm going through a divorce. Something like, 'oh how the mighty have fallen,' or 'watching Little Miss Perfect self-destruct'. I know... WTF, right?!? Who DOES that? Who publicly delights in another person's misfortune? How pathetic and miserable does your own life have to be? But you know me... I'm such an effin' bleeding heart that instead of staying angry about it, I just can't help but feel sorry for them. So terribly sorry for them.
For the record though, I have never labeled myself as perfect. Never labeled my life as perfect, and sure-as-hell never labeled my marriage as perfect. I have many, many, MANY times shared what my shortcomings are as a wife, mother, friend and human being. If YOU have decided to put the label of 'perfect' on me, then that is frankly your own issue. I can't take responsibility for other people's insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I just can't. And I will not apologize for not airing every f#@ked up thing that happens in my life on Facebook or this blog. That does not make me a phony. It means that I personally choose to share those things with my close friends and confidantes, and not the whole.effin'.world. Can you really blame a girl? I'm not batshit crazy, and really don't want that to be people's image of me. Fair, right?
I also would like to point out that I have never, ever, EVER called someone a trainwreck for going through a divorce. EVER. If I have ever called you a trainwreck, I can guarantee that it was a) to your face. Because that's just how I roll, and b) because you are in fact a trainwreck and I am just calling it like I see it. Just sayin'...
But yeah, I'm going through a divorce. And I won't lie, the pain and the sadness is so crippling that I am absolutely paralyzed by it sometimes. There have been many, many, many times in the past few months that I have found myself unable to breathe. I've cried an effin' river, and then some. Sometimes it feels so absolutely crushing, that it makes me think, 'This is absolutely what drowning must feel like.' I have dealt with insomnia, and nausea, and have lost a shit-ton of weight that I couldn't afford to lose in the first place. I mean, there's no shooting rainbows or sunshine up your asses on this one. This is the bottom. Rock bottom. The anxiety and the sadness and the pain is so effin' overwhelming.
But you know what? Despite all of that, I know I'm going to be okay. WE'RE going to be okay. Because regardless of how tough this is, it (unfortunately) was the best decision that I could make for myself, and for my husband, and for my kids. I'm not going to get into the details, out of respect for Mike and the kids. There are no hard feelings, though. I have nothing but respect for my husband, and I am fully confident that we are good enough friends, and love our children so, so, so incredibly much, that we will survive this as we have survived everything else... as a family. Because no matter what... no matter what we file in court in the next few months or what our living arrangements are now...we are still a family. And we always will be. That fact alone gets me through most days.
And I also hate to break it to the poor miserable souls of the world, but I am not self-destructing. Not at all. I'm struggling, sure. Some days are better than others. But I'm okay, and will continue to be okay. I'm still running as much as I can, and have started scheduling in lots of yoga. I have got the most amazing family and group of friends that any girl could ever ask for. I have been BLOWN AWAY by the comments, posts, messages, emails, texts and phone calls that I've gotten. I mean, you all have made me cry, and cry, and cry again. These are tears of joy, and happiness, and just plain gratitude, though. And it means so much to me to know that for every sad little person who wants to hate me and say spiteful things for no other reason than their own lack of self-worth, there are literally more than a hundred of you who I have touched or inspired in some way. This girl's cup runneth over again and again.
So yes, life is difficult right now. But I'm beginning to learn that sometimes in order to get the best out of life, you have to go through the worst. And I will still stay positive, and I will still embrace the good in life. I will still do those f@$kin' cartwheels, in my f@$kin' nightgown, in the f@#kin' driveway. Because I am strong. And I have people around me who make me stronger. And when this is all said and done, I will get that full-sleeve tattoo that I've been planning forever. Anyone know the sanskrit for 'one tough bitch'?